Playing the Psychiatrist Role

"Marriage is a 50-50 proposition".
(Author unknown)



We've all heard the saying that marriage is a 50-50 proposition, but what, exactly, does that mean? And is it true?

I think what is usually meant is that marriage involves compromise. You shouldn't expect to get your way all the time. You should be prepared to meet your spouse halfway to resolve the inevitable differences that will arise.

All of that sounds reasonable, but in the real world compromises are often hard to achieve, or even to define. If she wants to have another child, and he thinks that the one they have is enough, how can they resolve the problem by compromise?

Even many "routine" disagreements or incompatibilities are difficult to compromise. If she wants to have sex tonight and he just wants to fall asleep, is there a "halfway" solution? Or if he's dying to buy a Porsche, and she feels they're already one step away from bankruptcy, is there a 50-50 alternative that will please both of them? I doubt it. No matter what happens, one or the other of them is going to "win" on the issue. (And, unfortunately, when people get hung up on winning, both of them are likely to lose in the long run).

I'm not saying that we shouldn't be trying to reach out to our spouses to achieve mutually-satisfying results. I'm saying that we should recognize that true compromise is often an illusion, and that the "50-50 proposition" theory should refer to the overall contributions of both spouses over the course of time, rather than to the outcome of a particular issue.

At any given moment, though, one spouse or the other may need to be putting in considerably more than 50% of the effort to keep the relationship going. If your wife's mother was recently diagnosed with cancer, you're going to have to cut her some slack---maybe a lot of slack---for quite some time. If your husband was suddenly terminated from his job, you're going to have to help him deal with his anger and possibly his depression, while simultaneously dealing with the financial realities of the situation and with your own anxieties.

Part of being a good husband or good wife involves playing the role of psychiatrist. You need to sympathize with what your spouse is going through, provide encouragement, offer suggestions, serve as a sounding board, and suppress your own need to seek sympathy or vent your anger. It's not easy, and the reward isn't always immediate. But if you know in your heart that when the time comes your spouse will return the favor, it's worth the effort: eventually, things will balance out.

Of course, things will never balance out unless both spouses willingly take turns being the psychiatrist. It's all too easy for one person to obsess endlessly over his own issues, and to take his spouse's efforts for granted. If a perpetually-needy person has a self-sacrificing spouse, their relationship might go on for years in a one-sided way, but it can rarely go on like that forever. Even the most self-sacrificing person will eventually grow resentful and hit an emotional wall. When that happens, it may be too late to restore a 50-50 balance, or to avoid a divorce that could have been prevented.