(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please send any questions you may have to jim@attorneyatlove.com).
DEAR JIM: I'm 63 years old and living with a 71 year old man on a ranch he inherited from his parents many years ago. He was widowed ten years ago and we've been living together nearly eight years. He's not in great health (he has emphysema and diabetes). I hate to sound selfish or greedy, but I worry about what would happen if he passes away. A couple of friends have told me that after seven years of living together I'm considered his common law wife. Is that true? And does that mean I'd inherit the ranch if he dies before me? He has two daughters, if that matters. ("Joanie" in Nevada)
DEAR JOANIE: Common law marriage is a very misunderstood subject, but the bottom line in your case is that it doesn't apply to you or your relationship. There are only nine states that currently recognize common law marriages, and Nevada is not one of them. And even in those nine states, living together does not automatically grant the couple common law marriage status, no matter how long the cohabitation has lasted.
So if the man you're living with were to die, you would not automatically be entitled to a share of his estate, the way you would if the two of you were married to each other. You could still inherit the ranch, as well as any or all other property he may own at the time of his death, but only if he leaves a valid will naming you as his beneficiary. Without a will, his daughters would inherit everything.
I know it may be awkward to bring up these matters with him, but you've really got to. You've invested eight years of your life in a relationship that could---for no fault of yours---end suddenly, and you'd have nothing to show for it. Even if, for whatever reason, he doesn't want to get married, he should at least have a will, and so should you. It would cost very little to have an attorney draw up "reciprocal" wills---wills that are the mirror images of each other, and that leave everything to the person who dies first.
The truth is, even though he may be in poor health, life sometimes throws a curveball: he may outlive you. The fact that you'd be willing to leave everything you have to him if he's willing to do the same, should make it easier to discuss the issue without your looking selfish in any way.
Good luck, Joanie, and please let me know what happens.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
The Perils of Dating a Separated Dad
(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please send any questions you may have to jim@attorneyatlove.com).
DEAR JIM: I'm dating a guy who's been separated from his wife for eight months (she cheated on him and he was devastated by it and moved out). He's waiting for her to file for divorce, but she keeps delaying it. He's a great guy in a lot of ways, but his 14 year old daughter has him wrapped around her little finger. She calls him several times a day about one thing or another, and he always drops whatever he's doing to deal with her issues. Yesterday, we were having dinner at my house when she called. He went into the living room and talked to her for twenty minutes about some teacher she's having problems with. I've asked him to turn his phone off when we're together, but he says he'd feel guilty if his daughter couldn't reach him. I respect the fact that he's a good dad, but am I being unreasonable in wanting his undivided attention? ("Cindy" in Michigan)
DEAR CINDY: You're not being unreasonable, but you might be unrealistic about your chances of getting what you need from this relationship.
It sounds as if your boyfriend is conflicted about a lot of things. Let's start with his marriage. You say he's waiting for his wife to file for divorce, but what's stopping him from filing? Maybe he regrets leaving without trying to work things out, and is secretly hoping she'll come to her senses and beg him to return.
And let's look at the father-daughter relationship. I agree that she has him wrapped around her little finger, but maybe he wants that. Being available to her at all hours may be his way of assuaging his guilt about leaving the home.
And let's consider his own psyche. For whatever reason, his wife had sex with another man. Although a wife who has an affair is usually searching more for attention, affection, and respect than simply for better sex, the husband, when he finds out, is overwhelmed by feelings of sexual inadequacy. It can take a long time for a man to sort out all the feelings he has about his wife being with another man, and until he does he's not going to be emotionally available to a new woman. He may try to form a new relationship, but the new relationship is never going to work until he's at peace with the events of the past---and at peace with himself.
Unless you're willing to put up with uncertainty, drama, disrespectful behavior, and the very real chance of being dumped, you should get out of this relationship. Your boyfriend may indeed be a great guy, but right now he's not great for you.
DEAR JIM: I'm dating a guy who's been separated from his wife for eight months (she cheated on him and he was devastated by it and moved out). He's waiting for her to file for divorce, but she keeps delaying it. He's a great guy in a lot of ways, but his 14 year old daughter has him wrapped around her little finger. She calls him several times a day about one thing or another, and he always drops whatever he's doing to deal with her issues. Yesterday, we were having dinner at my house when she called. He went into the living room and talked to her for twenty minutes about some teacher she's having problems with. I've asked him to turn his phone off when we're together, but he says he'd feel guilty if his daughter couldn't reach him. I respect the fact that he's a good dad, but am I being unreasonable in wanting his undivided attention? ("Cindy" in Michigan)
DEAR CINDY: You're not being unreasonable, but you might be unrealistic about your chances of getting what you need from this relationship.
It sounds as if your boyfriend is conflicted about a lot of things. Let's start with his marriage. You say he's waiting for his wife to file for divorce, but what's stopping him from filing? Maybe he regrets leaving without trying to work things out, and is secretly hoping she'll come to her senses and beg him to return.
And let's look at the father-daughter relationship. I agree that she has him wrapped around her little finger, but maybe he wants that. Being available to her at all hours may be his way of assuaging his guilt about leaving the home.
And let's consider his own psyche. For whatever reason, his wife had sex with another man. Although a wife who has an affair is usually searching more for attention, affection, and respect than simply for better sex, the husband, when he finds out, is overwhelmed by feelings of sexual inadequacy. It can take a long time for a man to sort out all the feelings he has about his wife being with another man, and until he does he's not going to be emotionally available to a new woman. He may try to form a new relationship, but the new relationship is never going to work until he's at peace with the events of the past---and at peace with himself.
Unless you're willing to put up with uncertainty, drama, disrespectful behavior, and the very real chance of being dumped, you should get out of this relationship. Your boyfriend may indeed be a great guy, but right now he's not great for you.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Hounded by a Control Freak!
(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please send any questions you may have to jim@attorneyatlove.com).
DEAR JIM: I'm 33 and have been married two years. My husband and I separated less than a month ago because all we did was fight. I'm not sure if I want to get back together, but right now I can't even think straight. My husband contacts me at least ten times a day begging me to take him back. He texts me, he e-mails me, he calls me at work, and he even calls my mother to tell her how much he misses me, and how he's afraid that he might do something to himself if the separation goes on much longer. Ironically, he barely spoke to my mother before the separation. He felt she hated him and was interfering in our marriage, which is simply not true. I don't want to be responsible if he does something crazy, but I don't want to be pressured into a bad decision, either. What should I do? ("Heather" in Georgia)
DEAR HEATHER: I'm tempted to tell you to cut your losses and just go to a divorce lawyer, but there may still be a chance that your marriage can become a satisfying one for both of you. In order to have any hope of success, though, you and your husband need to agree immediately on the "terms" of your separation. You need to agree on how often---and by what means---you'll communicate with each other. You need to agree that your husband should not be contacting your mother. You need to agree that the threats and the drama have got to stop.
And you also need to agree on what the purpose of the separation is. Do the two of you need time and space to reflect on what went wrong in your marriage and figure out what can be done to improve things? Do the two of you need to see what it's like to live without the other person? Do the two of you have a sense of how long this may take?
You're going to need a marriage counselor to help you with all this. In fact, you'll probably need to continue with counseling even if you decide to get back together. Your husband doesn't sound like the kind of person who can sit down with you and discuss things calmly---at least not in his current mental state. In fact, my suspicion is that he's a control freak, and that he's deliberately trying to pressure you into a hasty decision. By saying how much he misses you and how he can't live without you, he's trying to make you forget why you decided to separate in the first place. He's trying to create the impression that wanting you so badly is proof that he's changed. I very much doubt that he has.
What you need to stress to your husband is that you won't be pushed, pressured, or emotionally blackmailed, and that the more he engages in his tactics the less likely it will be that you'll get back together. You also need to stress to him that counseling is a requirement, not an option.
I hope things can be salvaged between you and your husband, but if they can't it's better that you find out sooner rather than later. The last thing you need is to go through an endless cycle of separation-reconciliation-separation. You're still young enough to start out again, if need be, without having suffered too much emotional damage.
Good luck, Heather, and let me know what happens.
DEAR JIM: I'm 33 and have been married two years. My husband and I separated less than a month ago because all we did was fight. I'm not sure if I want to get back together, but right now I can't even think straight. My husband contacts me at least ten times a day begging me to take him back. He texts me, he e-mails me, he calls me at work, and he even calls my mother to tell her how much he misses me, and how he's afraid that he might do something to himself if the separation goes on much longer. Ironically, he barely spoke to my mother before the separation. He felt she hated him and was interfering in our marriage, which is simply not true. I don't want to be responsible if he does something crazy, but I don't want to be pressured into a bad decision, either. What should I do? ("Heather" in Georgia)
DEAR HEATHER: I'm tempted to tell you to cut your losses and just go to a divorce lawyer, but there may still be a chance that your marriage can become a satisfying one for both of you. In order to have any hope of success, though, you and your husband need to agree immediately on the "terms" of your separation. You need to agree on how often---and by what means---you'll communicate with each other. You need to agree that your husband should not be contacting your mother. You need to agree that the threats and the drama have got to stop.
And you also need to agree on what the purpose of the separation is. Do the two of you need time and space to reflect on what went wrong in your marriage and figure out what can be done to improve things? Do the two of you need to see what it's like to live without the other person? Do the two of you have a sense of how long this may take?
You're going to need a marriage counselor to help you with all this. In fact, you'll probably need to continue with counseling even if you decide to get back together. Your husband doesn't sound like the kind of person who can sit down with you and discuss things calmly---at least not in his current mental state. In fact, my suspicion is that he's a control freak, and that he's deliberately trying to pressure you into a hasty decision. By saying how much he misses you and how he can't live without you, he's trying to make you forget why you decided to separate in the first place. He's trying to create the impression that wanting you so badly is proof that he's changed. I very much doubt that he has.
What you need to stress to your husband is that you won't be pushed, pressured, or emotionally blackmailed, and that the more he engages in his tactics the less likely it will be that you'll get back together. You also need to stress to him that counseling is a requirement, not an option.
I hope things can be salvaged between you and your husband, but if they can't it's better that you find out sooner rather than later. The last thing you need is to go through an endless cycle of separation-reconciliation-separation. You're still young enough to start out again, if need be, without having suffered too much emotional damage.
Good luck, Heather, and let me know what happens.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Get Mom to a Lawyer!
(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please send any questions you may have to jim@attorneyatlove.com).
DEAR JIM: My mother is a widow in her early 70's. Dad died five years ago and, fortunately, left her in good shape financially. But recently, she's taken up with a guy in his 60's who my sister and I feel is a slippery character. He's vague about his background. He's supposedly a "long-time widower", with kids "out of state", and lives off his "investments", but he never says what those investments are or how he made his money in the first place. Google searches on him turn up next to nothing. My mother told us that they're planning to get married on Valentine's Day, and will be going on a Caribbean cruise for their honeymoon. Mom has already put a deposit down on the cruise using her credit card---his funds are supposedly "tied up." When we try to talk sense to her, she gets angry with us, and tells us we don't know what it's like to be lonely (my sister and I are both married). Is there anything we can do legally to keep my mother from making a big mistake? ("Sally" in Dallas)
DEAR SALLY: I agree with you this all smells fishy, but I doubt that a court would intervene at this point. Although every state has guardianship and "conservatorship" laws that can, in extreme cases, transfer some or all of a person's decision-making powers to a relative or other person, there has to be a clear-cut case of incapacity proven. Bad judgment isn't enough. Unless it's combined with seriously-diminished physical and/or mental capacity---which, at the very least, would require a doctor's written opinion---courts will usually stay away from cases like this.
However, that doesn't mean a lawyer can't help you and your mother. In fact, I strongly recommend that she immediately consult a lawyer who specializes in domestic relations law. The reason is that, assuming you can't persuade your mother not to go ahead with the wedding, she absolutely needs a pre-nuptial agreement.
In a properly-drafted "pre-nup", both parties would fully disclose their respective finances and personal information prior to the wedding. The lawyer your mother hires would represent only her. If the boyfriend wants to be represented by a lawyer, he'd have to get his own (and some states require both parties to a pre-nup to have separate representation). Your mother's lawyer's job would be to make sure that her boyfriend is coming clean about his income, assets, debts, marital history, and all other relevant facts. An experienced lawyer could quickly tell if someone is being evasive or dishonest, and he would advise your mother accordingly.
A domestic relations lawyer would probably also have access to investigative tools that go beyond simple google searches. He might be able to uncover information about the boyfriend that could convince your mother to break off the relationship without even getting to the pre-nup stage.
I know your mother seems to be headstrong about this, but it's quite possible that she might listen to an "outside" professional more readily than to you and your sister. A lot of older people are resentful of what they see as power plays by their children. They resist giving up authority of any kind to their children, and will do almost anything---including making bad decisions---to assert their independence. A lawyer wouldn't normally present the same kind of threat to your mother.
I hope this helps, Sally. Please let me know what happens.
DEAR JIM: My mother is a widow in her early 70's. Dad died five years ago and, fortunately, left her in good shape financially. But recently, she's taken up with a guy in his 60's who my sister and I feel is a slippery character. He's vague about his background. He's supposedly a "long-time widower", with kids "out of state", and lives off his "investments", but he never says what those investments are or how he made his money in the first place. Google searches on him turn up next to nothing. My mother told us that they're planning to get married on Valentine's Day, and will be going on a Caribbean cruise for their honeymoon. Mom has already put a deposit down on the cruise using her credit card---his funds are supposedly "tied up." When we try to talk sense to her, she gets angry with us, and tells us we don't know what it's like to be lonely (my sister and I are both married). Is there anything we can do legally to keep my mother from making a big mistake? ("Sally" in Dallas)
DEAR SALLY: I agree with you this all smells fishy, but I doubt that a court would intervene at this point. Although every state has guardianship and "conservatorship" laws that can, in extreme cases, transfer some or all of a person's decision-making powers to a relative or other person, there has to be a clear-cut case of incapacity proven. Bad judgment isn't enough. Unless it's combined with seriously-diminished physical and/or mental capacity---which, at the very least, would require a doctor's written opinion---courts will usually stay away from cases like this.
However, that doesn't mean a lawyer can't help you and your mother. In fact, I strongly recommend that she immediately consult a lawyer who specializes in domestic relations law. The reason is that, assuming you can't persuade your mother not to go ahead with the wedding, she absolutely needs a pre-nuptial agreement.
In a properly-drafted "pre-nup", both parties would fully disclose their respective finances and personal information prior to the wedding. The lawyer your mother hires would represent only her. If the boyfriend wants to be represented by a lawyer, he'd have to get his own (and some states require both parties to a pre-nup to have separate representation). Your mother's lawyer's job would be to make sure that her boyfriend is coming clean about his income, assets, debts, marital history, and all other relevant facts. An experienced lawyer could quickly tell if someone is being evasive or dishonest, and he would advise your mother accordingly.
A domestic relations lawyer would probably also have access to investigative tools that go beyond simple google searches. He might be able to uncover information about the boyfriend that could convince your mother to break off the relationship without even getting to the pre-nup stage.
I know your mother seems to be headstrong about this, but it's quite possible that she might listen to an "outside" professional more readily than to you and your sister. A lot of older people are resentful of what they see as power plays by their children. They resist giving up authority of any kind to their children, and will do almost anything---including making bad decisions---to assert their independence. A lawyer wouldn't normally present the same kind of threat to your mother.
I hope this helps, Sally. Please let me know what happens.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Going Broke in the Dating World
(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please send any questions you may have to jim@attorneyatlove.com).
DEAR JIM: I'm 46 years old and have been divorced a little over a year. I'm paying $950 a month in child support, and I'm still paying half the mortgage on the house my ex-wife and kids live in, plus the rent on my own apartment. I'm fortunate to have a decent job, but I have very little discretionary income at this point. I've met a few women through an online dating site, but every date I've gone on has been expensive and has lead to nothing. I hate to look cheap, but I can't afford to drop a hundred dollars or more on a first date with someone I may never see again. Is it OK to go Dutch on a date, or would it be the kiss of death to suggest it? ("Ron" in Connecticut)
DEAR RON: Before I answer your question, let me suggest an alternative. You don't have to spend a hundred dollars on a first date, regardless of who pays. In fact, even aside from the money involved, it's crazy to go to dinner at a nice restaurant with someone you barely know. If the chemistry isn't there, you'll both realize it before you've finished your first drink, and for the next hour or two you'll be making uncomfortable small talk while at the same time running up a substantial bill.
First dates should be in places that are inexpensive and where there is no automatic expectation of a lengthy time commitment. A coffee shop is an ideal venue for first dates; you'd have to buy a lot of lattes and pastries to drop $20 or $25, and you can make a graceful exit after thirty minutes if things aren't going well. On the other hand, if things are going well, you can usually linger as long as you'd like, or just leave together and take a nice stroll.
Another reason not to spend big bucks on first dates is that the woman may feel you're trying to buy her. This is one of those issues that cause a great deal of mutual misunderstanding and mutual resentment. The man feels that the woman is happy to let him lavish his money on her, and the woman feels that the guy is acting like he owns her. It's a common problem in the dating world.
Getting back to your question about going Dutch, I personally don't like the idea, unless the woman insists on it (there's nothing to be gained in arguing with a woman). If you're keeping your costs to a minimum and not obviously hinting at a "quid pro quo", you're more likely to come across as a man of sophistication if you pick up the tab. I may be old-fashioned in this regard, but I think that, when it comes to women, a little treat is never a bad idea. But keep the treats little, especially on first dates. You don't want to miss a child support payment because of too many fancy restaurant meals.
Good luck, Ron, and let me know how your next date goes.
DEAR JIM: I'm 46 years old and have been divorced a little over a year. I'm paying $950 a month in child support, and I'm still paying half the mortgage on the house my ex-wife and kids live in, plus the rent on my own apartment. I'm fortunate to have a decent job, but I have very little discretionary income at this point. I've met a few women through an online dating site, but every date I've gone on has been expensive and has lead to nothing. I hate to look cheap, but I can't afford to drop a hundred dollars or more on a first date with someone I may never see again. Is it OK to go Dutch on a date, or would it be the kiss of death to suggest it? ("Ron" in Connecticut)
DEAR RON: Before I answer your question, let me suggest an alternative. You don't have to spend a hundred dollars on a first date, regardless of who pays. In fact, even aside from the money involved, it's crazy to go to dinner at a nice restaurant with someone you barely know. If the chemistry isn't there, you'll both realize it before you've finished your first drink, and for the next hour or two you'll be making uncomfortable small talk while at the same time running up a substantial bill.
First dates should be in places that are inexpensive and where there is no automatic expectation of a lengthy time commitment. A coffee shop is an ideal venue for first dates; you'd have to buy a lot of lattes and pastries to drop $20 or $25, and you can make a graceful exit after thirty minutes if things aren't going well. On the other hand, if things are going well, you can usually linger as long as you'd like, or just leave together and take a nice stroll.
Another reason not to spend big bucks on first dates is that the woman may feel you're trying to buy her. This is one of those issues that cause a great deal of mutual misunderstanding and mutual resentment. The man feels that the woman is happy to let him lavish his money on her, and the woman feels that the guy is acting like he owns her. It's a common problem in the dating world.
Getting back to your question about going Dutch, I personally don't like the idea, unless the woman insists on it (there's nothing to be gained in arguing with a woman). If you're keeping your costs to a minimum and not obviously hinting at a "quid pro quo", you're more likely to come across as a man of sophistication if you pick up the tab. I may be old-fashioned in this regard, but I think that, when it comes to women, a little treat is never a bad idea. But keep the treats little, especially on first dates. You don't want to miss a child support payment because of too many fancy restaurant meals.
Good luck, Ron, and let me know how your next date goes.
Friday, October 30, 2009
The Brother-in-Law from Hell
(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please send any questions you may have to jim@attorneyatlove.com).
DEAR JIM: Thanksgiving is coming up and I'm dreading it. Last Thanksgiving, at my mother-in-law's house, my husband's brother, Rich, came on to me when no one else was in the kitchen. He tried to kiss me and he reached around and touched my buttocks. I let him know how shocked and upset I was, but he laughed it off and said was that it's not his fault that I'm so attractive. The rest of the day, he kept smiling at me in a weird way. I never liked Rich even before that. He would always drink too much and verbally abuse his wife (now his ex-wife) in front of everyone. But now I don't even want to be in the same room with him. He lives on the West Coast, and the only time we see him is when he comes back East at Thanksgiving. We've always had Thanksgiving dinner at my mother-in-law's (my parents are both deceased), so there's no easy alternative. I haven't told my husband anything. Should I? Or should I just "get sick" Thanksgiving morning and stay home? ("J" in New Jersey)
DEAR "J": You're right: you have no easy alternative. Whatever you do is going to be upsetting either to you or to other people, and if other people get involved you can't be sure what the long-term repercussions might be. That said, I recommend confronting the problem rather than avoiding it.
If you make up an excuse not to go, you're just postponing the inevitable. What happens next year, and the year after that? And between now and Thanksgiving you'll be torturing yourself about how to come up with convincing details about your sudden illness. It would have to be serious enough to keep you home, but not so serious that your husband has to take you to the emergency room.
Tell your husband. Explain to him that you held off because you hoped that the memory of what happened would have faded by now, but unfortunately it's coming back stronger than ever. Emphasize that unless Rich makes a sincere apology, and assures both you and your husband that nothing like that will ever happen again, you don't want to be present with him at the dinner.
By taking this approach, you're leaving it up to your husband to find a solution. And I think that's appropriate, because it's his family and his brother. Trust me: he knows his brother, probably a lot better than you might think. It's possible that, for reasons you may not even know about, he might be as fed up with Rich as you are, and might welcome the chance to call him up and hash things out.
Innocent people shouldn't have to suffer silently for someone else's bad behavior. Trust your husband to protect you and to figure out the best way to deal with the problem.
Good luck, "J", and let me know what happens.
DEAR JIM: Thanksgiving is coming up and I'm dreading it. Last Thanksgiving, at my mother-in-law's house, my husband's brother, Rich, came on to me when no one else was in the kitchen. He tried to kiss me and he reached around and touched my buttocks. I let him know how shocked and upset I was, but he laughed it off and said was that it's not his fault that I'm so attractive. The rest of the day, he kept smiling at me in a weird way. I never liked Rich even before that. He would always drink too much and verbally abuse his wife (now his ex-wife) in front of everyone. But now I don't even want to be in the same room with him. He lives on the West Coast, and the only time we see him is when he comes back East at Thanksgiving. We've always had Thanksgiving dinner at my mother-in-law's (my parents are both deceased), so there's no easy alternative. I haven't told my husband anything. Should I? Or should I just "get sick" Thanksgiving morning and stay home? ("J" in New Jersey)
DEAR "J": You're right: you have no easy alternative. Whatever you do is going to be upsetting either to you or to other people, and if other people get involved you can't be sure what the long-term repercussions might be. That said, I recommend confronting the problem rather than avoiding it.
If you make up an excuse not to go, you're just postponing the inevitable. What happens next year, and the year after that? And between now and Thanksgiving you'll be torturing yourself about how to come up with convincing details about your sudden illness. It would have to be serious enough to keep you home, but not so serious that your husband has to take you to the emergency room.
Tell your husband. Explain to him that you held off because you hoped that the memory of what happened would have faded by now, but unfortunately it's coming back stronger than ever. Emphasize that unless Rich makes a sincere apology, and assures both you and your husband that nothing like that will ever happen again, you don't want to be present with him at the dinner.
By taking this approach, you're leaving it up to your husband to find a solution. And I think that's appropriate, because it's his family and his brother. Trust me: he knows his brother, probably a lot better than you might think. It's possible that, for reasons you may not even know about, he might be as fed up with Rich as you are, and might welcome the chance to call him up and hash things out.
Innocent people shouldn't have to suffer silently for someone else's bad behavior. Trust your husband to protect you and to figure out the best way to deal with the problem.
Good luck, "J", and let me know what happens.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Full Disclosure About Being Full-Figured?
(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please send any questions you may have to jim@attorneyatlove.com).
DEAR JIM: After being divorced for four years and getting my kids settled in college, I've gotten back into dating. Or at least I'm trying to. I'm not sure how to deal with the fact that I'm overweight. I put on nearly fifty pounds during my marriage and another twenty since then. I'm doing my best to lose weight---I joined a gym and work out five times a week---but it's really slow-going. If I join an online dating site, should I say up-front that I'm overweight or should I try to establish a relationship with someone first so that, hopefully, my weight won't be as much of an issue when we meet? ("Liz" in Atlanta)
DEAR LIZ: This is one of those situations where it feels that whatever you do will be wrong. If you tell the whole truth, some men will (presumably) write you off. If you don't tell the whole truth, someone who eventually meets you in person might feel deceived. But I think that, with online dating, it's possible to be both honest and successful.
First of all, not every man is looking for a Barbie doll. In fact, a lot of men actually prefer plus-sized women. If you do a google search for "BBW Dating Sites" ("BBW" meaning Big Beautiful Women), you'll see literally dozens of sites targeting full-figured women and the men who are attracted to them. And, if you decide to join one of those sites, it might please you to see that you'd be one of the slimmer members; there are some pretty big gals on those sites!
But even on the "mainstream" sites, there are men who are seeking plus-sized women. And there are even more men who are at least open to meeting such women, especially if they seem to have the intangible qualities that every man loves. I'm talking about femininity, playfulness, a sense of humor, and a passion for living.
The key to all of this is to feel positive about yourself. It's great that you're going to the gym regularly, but don't get down on yourself if the weight doesn't melt off as quickly as you'd like. Enjoy exercising for its own sake. Enjoy moving your body, stretching it, and feeling it do things that it hasn't done in a long time. Before long, you'll develop a toned look that---visually at least---will take pounds, and years, off your appearance.
And make sure those positive feelings come through in your profile. Post a picture that shows you smiling and looking confident. Emphasize how physically active you are. If you enjoy participating in or watching sports, be sure to say so. If you love to dance, be sure to say so. If you love to travel, and can explore cities for hours on foot, be sure to say so.
Honesty does not have to mean full disclosure. As long as you don't out-and-out lie about your weight or body type, or post a picture from when you were a size 6, there's nothing wrong with stressing the positives and de-emphasizing the (perceived) negatives. It's actually the essence of good salesmanship. And, like it or not, an online profile is a form of salesmanship. What you're selling is yourself, or, more accurately, your best self.
Good luck, Liz, and let me know what happens.
DEAR JIM: After being divorced for four years and getting my kids settled in college, I've gotten back into dating. Or at least I'm trying to. I'm not sure how to deal with the fact that I'm overweight. I put on nearly fifty pounds during my marriage and another twenty since then. I'm doing my best to lose weight---I joined a gym and work out five times a week---but it's really slow-going. If I join an online dating site, should I say up-front that I'm overweight or should I try to establish a relationship with someone first so that, hopefully, my weight won't be as much of an issue when we meet? ("Liz" in Atlanta)
DEAR LIZ: This is one of those situations where it feels that whatever you do will be wrong. If you tell the whole truth, some men will (presumably) write you off. If you don't tell the whole truth, someone who eventually meets you in person might feel deceived. But I think that, with online dating, it's possible to be both honest and successful.
First of all, not every man is looking for a Barbie doll. In fact, a lot of men actually prefer plus-sized women. If you do a google search for "BBW Dating Sites" ("BBW" meaning Big Beautiful Women), you'll see literally dozens of sites targeting full-figured women and the men who are attracted to them. And, if you decide to join one of those sites, it might please you to see that you'd be one of the slimmer members; there are some pretty big gals on those sites!
But even on the "mainstream" sites, there are men who are seeking plus-sized women. And there are even more men who are at least open to meeting such women, especially if they seem to have the intangible qualities that every man loves. I'm talking about femininity, playfulness, a sense of humor, and a passion for living.
The key to all of this is to feel positive about yourself. It's great that you're going to the gym regularly, but don't get down on yourself if the weight doesn't melt off as quickly as you'd like. Enjoy exercising for its own sake. Enjoy moving your body, stretching it, and feeling it do things that it hasn't done in a long time. Before long, you'll develop a toned look that---visually at least---will take pounds, and years, off your appearance.
And make sure those positive feelings come through in your profile. Post a picture that shows you smiling and looking confident. Emphasize how physically active you are. If you enjoy participating in or watching sports, be sure to say so. If you love to dance, be sure to say so. If you love to travel, and can explore cities for hours on foot, be sure to say so.
Honesty does not have to mean full disclosure. As long as you don't out-and-out lie about your weight or body type, or post a picture from when you were a size 6, there's nothing wrong with stressing the positives and de-emphasizing the (perceived) negatives. It's actually the essence of good salesmanship. And, like it or not, an online profile is a form of salesmanship. What you're selling is yourself, or, more accurately, your best self.
Good luck, Liz, and let me know what happens.
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