Your Bedroom or Mine?

"By 2015, a majority of custom-built homes will have his-and-hers master bedroom suites".
(From a National Association of Home Builders market trends report)

It used to be that having separate bedrooms meant that a couple had stopped having sex. Not anymore. In rapidly increasing numbers, married homeowners---or at least those affluent enough to afford it---are opting for separate bedrooms. In some cases, houses are being designed that way; in others, couples are reconfiguring the existing bedroom set-up, turning a guest bedroom, for example, into a bedroom for one of the spouses. And they're usually not doing it to avoid sex. In fact, they may be improving their sex lives.

Married couples are finally recognizing that sleeping together (in the literal sense) is not synonymous with sleeping soundly together. A lot of people snore. Others have restless leg syndrome, or get up to go to the bathroom a couple of times during the night, or can only fall asleep while reading or watching TV.

Sleep is as vital to one's physical health as good nutrition and regular exercise. And chronic lack of sleep can also affect one's marital health. If one spouse regularly causes the other to suffer sleepless nights---even if the reasons are totally beyond his or her control---resentment will eventually set in. And resentment has a way of spilling over into other areas of a relationship.

If you're one of those unfortunate people who hasn't had a decent night's sleep in years, why not admit the obvious: it's never going to change. Then do something about it, and don't worry about what your kids or your in-laws or even your spouse will think (you're the one who's suffering, not them).

It might make it easier to implement a change in sleeping arrangements if you can look at separate bedrooms not as a necessary evil but rather as something sexy. (Yes, I said sexy). Think back to when you were single. There were probably nights when someone stayed over at your place, nights when you stayed over at their place, nights when you made love somewhere---planned or not---but then went home by yourself, nights when you were happy simply to stay home alone...there were all kinds of possibilities. And it was the sense of possibility that added to the sexiness of it all. You hadn't settled into a predictable pattern. Sex was something special; you anticipated it with pleasure, you savored it afterward, and you were never certain when, or where, it would happen.

If you can get back to that mindset, if you can pretend that the two of you are still dating, I think you'll discover that separate bedrooms lend themselves to erotic possibilities. For example, after dinner some night, you might suggest that your spouse drop by your room in an hour or so. (Of course, he'll have to knock, unless you decide to leave the door a tiny bit ajar). You will have given yourself time to take a bath, put on something nice, set up the room for a romantic rendezvous---all in complete privacy. And if you're in the mood for an overnight lover, you just might let him stay afterward. (But if he starts snoring, he can be back in his own room in thirty seconds).

As I say in my book, if you have a problem that you can't seem to solve, think imaginatively and dare to be unconventional. Having an unconventional marriage is a lot better than having a frustrating one. It all comes down to doing what works best for you. But in the case of separate bedrooms, maybe the unconventional will soon become the norm.