Playing Detective---Part II

"Rekindled romances were surprisingly successful the second time around (provided that the lost loves are single, divorced, or widowed---not currently married)."
(Nancy Kalish, Ph.D., http://www.lostlovers.com/)

My last blog article warned of the dangers of tracking down a former lover if either or both of you are currently married. And the dangers are real. But if you're both unmarried, or not in a committed relationship, a long-ago lover can be just the person you've been hoping to find. And if you're one of the many mid-life people struggling with the realities of post-divorce dating, an old lover is more likely to be in your comfort zone than someone completely new would be.

Nancy Kalish, a California State University psychology professor who for many years has studied "lost love reunions", says that rekindled relationships are most successful when the original relationship was broken off due to "situational reasons"---his family moved away while you were both still in high school, or you went off to colleges a thousand miles apart, or you were both simply "too young".

Dr. Kalish notes that when couples grew up together, knew each other's family and friends, and perhaps went to the same schools and church, they're likely to share core values, values that may seem even more important once we're older and wiser. An early love can unconsciously become the "standard" for all future loves, partly because such a love is often based as much on friendship and familiarity as on romance or sexual passion.

Of course, when there's a reward, there's usually a risk. In the case of lost lovers, it's the risk of breaking up twice. And not only are you risking a second break-up, you're risking the loss of a dream, the loss of the hope that may have sustained you during the tough times you've gone through in your marriage or in your divorce.

Because of these risks, Dr. Kalish advises that before you initiate any contact with a lost love, you should ask yourself if you could handle anything bad that might occur: a rejection, a second breakup, a sad realization that feelings have changed and the love is gone forever. If you feel you couldn't accept such disappointments or rejections, it's best not to go there at all. Let it live in your memory, but focus on finding someone new who at least comes close to that ideal.

Of course, when you learn someone's whereabouts through a computer search, you're not always going to learn his marital status. You may have to just take a chance and contact him, and hope for the best. If he turns out to be married, you're better off letting the matter drop entirely, even if he expresses a desire to see you (especially if he expresses a desire to see you). If his marriage is unhappy, you're not the person to be his marriage counselor. And I don't think you want to be his part-time wife. If and when he's free again, he can contact you.