The One Relationship We Forget to Nourish

"When people take time off, they're really spending time with themselves. That's a relationship worth having, too".
(Carolyn Hax, advice columnist, in response to a question about starting a new relationship right after the previous one had ended).


Carolyn Hax, whose "Tell Me About It" appears in hundreds of newspapers, is the only advice columnist I feel is worth reading. She's an exceptionally clear thinker and she's not afraid to tell her questioners what they don't want to hear.


In the column I quoted from, the questioner's ex-boyfriend had immediately taken up with someone new (my guess is that he had the new one lined up all along), and she wanted to know why she shouldn't do the same thing. Why should she mourn the loss of someone who proved to be a jerk? Why should she deny herself companionship and sex? Carolyn's response was that if companionship and sex are all that you want, then go for it. But if you want to try to figure out what went wrong, and prepare for a new relationship that involves more than just companionship and sex---with someone who's not a jerk---you're going to need time.


I agree. When people rush into new relationships, particularly after the breakup of a marriage or other long-term involvement, it's usually for the wrong reason. Wanting sex is all well and good, but often a person's perceived need for sex is really a need for validation that he or she is still desirable, or a means of revenge against the "ex". If you are still in a state of shock, anger, or resentment, sex with someone new is not going to cure the problem. It may even make it worse, especially if you get overly invested in the new person and he or she just sees you as a friend with benefits.


I'm not saying that you have to spend every waking moment for months and months obsessing about what went wrong. Yes, you want to examine what the two of you did or didn't do, but you also want to figure out who you really are and what you want in a relationship. You can do this best by---as Carolyn Hax said---forming a relationship with yourself. Learn to be comfortable spending quality time alone. Read some good books, listen to music, go out for long walks. Spend time with friends, but don't hesitate to go somewhere by yourself if you're in the mood.


If you're a man, learn to do some of the things that you always depended on your wife or girlfriend for. I'm convinced that the reason many recently-divorced men are desperate for a new woman is not that they need sex so urgently, but rather that they simply have no clue how to function on their own. If men learned the rudiments of cooking, cleaning, food-shopping, checkbook-balancing, and other basic life skills, they would more easily avoid the trading-one-woman-for-another trap.


For both men and women, the goal should be to emerge stronger, wiser, less bitter, and with a renewed sense of optimism and purpose. Depending on the length of the prior relationship and the intensity of feelings engendered by the breakup, this can take anywhere from a few months to a couple of years. (If it takes much more than that, there may be more avoidance than healing going on). But the time it takes to develop that relationship with yourself is well worth it. After all, it's the only relationship that you can guarantee will last a lifetime.