No Time for Romance?

"Whatever you do, don't let life get in the way of romance".
(Kara Oh, relationship author and dating coach: http://www.datingsuccesstechnology.com/)

They don't call Kara Oh the "Heart Specialist" for nothing. For years, she's been urging her readers---male and female, married and single---to put romance at the center of their relationships, and keep it there. Kara knows how easy it is for couples to let romance slip into the background as their relationship matures, but she also knows how unfulfilling a life without romance can be.

Men are usually believed to be the guilty parties when it comes to the death of romance, and, indeed, just two weeks ago I wrote a Valentine's piece on how men can, and should, introduce little expressions of love into their daily lives. But women, despite the lip service they give to romance, are sometimes just as guilty as men in neglecting it.

Just about every woman I know tries to be everything to everybody. If they're not shuttling their kids to one sports practice or another, they're acting as caregivers to their aging parents, psychologists to their needy friends, and volunteers to every organization in town. They're conscientious to a fault at work, they do chores at home that their husbands should be doing...the list goes on and on. With all this on their plate, how can women possibly make room for romance?

My answer is simple: take some things off the plate. You can start with your kids. No, I'm not advocating child neglect, but you don't necessarily have to be micromanaging every aspect of your kids' lives. Unless they're infants or toddlers, they need time away from you, unstructured time when they can just be with their friends or by themselves; when they can be, simply, kids.

Aging parents often do need help, but if the help you give them never seems to be enough, you may have inadvertently created more of a dependency than is necessary. And if their lives really are falling apart, maybe you need to bring in outside help, or insist that other family members share the burden. (It may be true that your brothers and sisters are "useless", but that's only because no one has ever demanded that they be useful).

Learn to say a polite "No" to friends, neighbors, co-workers, and everyone else who asks for your time when you don't have any to give. Be selective: put more of your energy into fewer activities. Do what you can, and then stop.

And when you stop, relax and reflect. Think about what's good in your relationship. Remember the way things used to be and figure out how to get back there. Plan a special night for just the two of you. Inject some flirtaciousness into your conversations. And always remember that a marriage is, or should be, more than a household partnership, more than just an efficient system for raising kids, paying bills, and fulfilling obligations to the rest of the world. It should be the way to connect---and keep on connecting---with your best self and with the person you chose as your lifetime lover.