She Had an Affair with Her Personal Trainer

(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please send any questions you may have to jim@attorneyatlove.com).

DEAR JIM: My situation is similar to the woman whose husband is overweight and a couch potato [see previous blog entry, dated 1/17/11]. In my case, though, I became attracted to one of the personal trainers at my gym, and wound up having an affair with him. It was wonderful for a few weeks, but then I learned through the grapevine that he was also seeing at least two other women from the gym. I don't want to be part of someone's harem so I broke it off, but I'm still fantasizing about other guys at the gym who have great bodies. Do you think it would motivate my husband to lose weight and get in shape if he knew that I'm turned on by guys who take pride in their appearance? ("Anonymous")

DEAR ANONYMOUS: I suppose some people can be motivated by fear and jealousy to change their behavior, but I wouldn't bet on it in your husband's case. In fact, knowing that you're attracted to other men may produce the opposite effect: he could become so depressed that he winds up eating or drinking even more.

I would also caution you not to blurt out a confession that you've been unfaithful. Unless your husband is certain to find out some other way, a confession is only going to hurt him and threaten your marriage, especially if you're not 100% determined that it will never happen again. Given how turned on you are by the men at your gym, I think it could easily happen again.

Your best bet is to try to motivate your husband in as positive a way as you can. At some point in your marriage he probably looked better---maybe a lot better---than he does now. You could show him pictures of himself when he was slimmer, and tell him how great he looked. If he used to work out or play sports, you could talk about how much energy he had, and how sexy he was in bed. And, as I told the other woman, you could try to help ease his way back into exercising by inviting him to go on walks with you.

I sympathize with your situation, "Anonymous," but if you truly want to save your marriage you've got to stop fantasizing about the guys at the gym. Affairs, like drugs, are usually nothing more than a quick escape from reality. Once the initial high wears off, you feel worse than before, which just makes you crave it again. It's a vicious cycle, and if it goes on long enough it will end badly.

Good luck, and please let me know what happens.