Her Boyfriend Refuses to Get a Divorce

(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please send any questions you may have to jim@attorneyatlove.com).

DEAR JIM: I'm a 66 year-old widow and I've been involved with a man my age for the past three years. About six months ago I moved in with him, despite my concern that he's still legally married. He's been separated from his wife for over ten years. He tells me he hasn't seen her in all that time, and that the only way he even knows she's still alive is that his daughter sometimes gives him an update on what she's doing. He knows I'd like to get married, but he keeps telling me that he doesn't want to upset the applecart, so to speak. He says that if either he or his wife filed for divorce he'd have to pay her alimony, because his income was always a lot bigger than hers. Is that true? Their daughter was already on her own when they separated, and his wife has never asked him for support. I love the man, but I don't want to be taken advantage of. ("Geri")

DEAR GERI: Let me first point out that every state has different statutes concerning alimony and other financial aspects of divorce, so the only way you could find out with certainty if your boyfriend is correct is to consult an experienced divorce lawyer in whatever state would have "jurisdiction" if either your boyfriend or his wife filed for divorce.

Having said that, however, I strongly doubt that a divorce court anywhere would be likely to award his wife alimony. Nowadays, alimony is not automatically awarded in a divorce. Generally, it's limited to situations in which one spouse (usually the wife) has such limited job skills that she couldn't be expected to support herself without it. Your boyfriend's wife has somehow been able to get by for ten years without his financial help. It would be extremely difficult for her to claim at this point that she's entitled to alimony. I suppose that anything can happen in court, but I think your boyfriend is worrying about nothing.

Of course, your boyfriend may not really be worried about alimony, but rather using it as an excuse to avoid getting married again. Based on what you tell me, I can't say for sure if your boyfriend is being straightforward with you on this issue, but one way to find out is to urge him to consult with a divorce lawyer---ideally, with you present at the meeting---to get all the relevant information. If he refuses to meet with a lawyer, or refuses to let you accompany him, he's telling you, in effect, that the alimony excuse is a bogus one. Even apart from the fact that you'd like to get married, it wouldn't be a good sign if the man you're living with isn't telling you the truth about so basic an issue, or isn't bringing you into his major life decisions.

Good luck, Geri, and please let me know what happens.