The Trials of Trial Separations

(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please send any questions you may have to jim@attorneyatlove.com).

DEAR JIM: I'm 42 and have been married for three years (first time for me, second for my wife). We have no kids. Two months ago, my wife and I separated. It was her idea. She said she needed some time and space to think things through. (We had been arguing a lot, mainly about lifestyle issues---she likes to stay home all the time while I like to go out with friends, etc.). I moved out and am living in a very small studio apartment. I talk to my wife a few times a week, but haven't seen her in person since we separated. I'm feeling really lonely, and two weeks ago I met a woman on craigslist who is also separated, although in her case she's already filed for divorce from her husband. She's telling me I'm a fool to be waiting forever for my wife to make up her mind. She's not exactly pressuring me to file for divorce, but she says that if I know I'm not getting back together with my wife I can move in with her. How long should it take my wife to make up her mind? ("Robbie" in Missouri)

DEAR ROBBIE: Your situation is a good example of why people shouldn't separate---even on a "trial" basis---without coming up with some mutually-agreed-on ground rules.

One of those ground rules involves the length of time needed to work out the problems that led to the separation. Your wife evidently hasn't given you a clear idea of how long it will be before she's "made up her mind," nor has she asked you to work with her in some way to resolve the problems (e.g., going to counseling together, or at least meeting for coffee once or twice a week to talk things over). This is just asking for trouble.

Another necessary ground rule in any trial separation involves seeing other people. In general, forming new relationships during a separation is a very bad idea. As you've already seen, the new person may have a completely different agenda from yours, and that agenda is not likely to include saving your marriage. It's understandable that you're feeling lonely and rejected, but it's vital that you understand that relationships that begin out of desperation almost always end badly.

My advice is to break off with this new woman immediately, and take a more pro-active approach with your wife. Explain to your wife that resolving your marital problems is not something that she can do by herself; you both need to work together on it, and that you're ready, willing, and able to do what it takes (or at least I hope you are, because words without actions won't get you very far).

If, after a few months of sincere and intense effort, it's clear that your marriage just can't be saved, then you can proceed to divorce knowing that you've done everything you could. But, even then, I wouldn't be quick to get into a new relationship. Unless you truly understand what went wrong the last time, and resolve to change any faults of your own that contributed to the break-up, you'd only be setting yourself up for another failure.

Good luck, Robbie, and please let me know how this turns out.