40 Years and 40 Pounds Later: a Beauty Contest Winner's Lament

(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please submit any questions you may have to jim@attorneyatlove.com).

DEAR JIM: I'm 62 and have been a widow for five years. I met a very nice man---"Sam"---a few months ago who seems to be crazy over me. Believe me, I appreciate the attention, but he sometimes goes too far. Whenever we're out with friends, or when he introduces me to his family members, he always mentions that I was once a beauty pageant winner. Jim, that was forty years ago! And it's not like I was Miss America. It was a local pageant in my little hometown in Minnesota. The problem for me is not just that I'm older, but that I've gained forty pounds over the years. I don't look anything like what you'd expect a former beauty pageant winner to look like, and I can sometimes see the skeptical looks on peoples' faces. I told Sam I was embarrassed by these references, and I could see his feelings were hurt. He says he's proud of me and wants everyone to know it. Again, I don't want to seem ungrateful, but is there any way to get Sam to stop without hurting his feelings? ("M" in Dallas)

DEAR "M": I guess your situation proves that there really can be too much of a good thing. A lot of women would love to have a boyfriend or husband who brags about them---or at least they think they would. Sam's heart is clearly in the right place, but he needs to be more sensitive about your sensitivity in this matter (although I have to wonder whether the people you meet are really that skeptical; no rational person expects any 62 year old woman---beauty contest winner or otherwise---to weigh what she weighed when she was 22).

Anyway, I think you should try talking to Sam again about this. Pick a time when you're both relaxed and in a good mood. Tell him that you love all his attention and his compliments, but that you'd rather he not mention the beauty pageant stuff. You might have to say that you're being a little over-sensitive, but that it's not uncommon for women to be over-sensitive about weight and age. Tell him you're happy you're still a beautiful woman in his eyes, but you'd rather he keep the flattering remarks private. If his friends and family truly think you're beautiful, they don't need him to tell them that.

I also think the "problem" should take care of itself before too long. Your relationship is a relatively new one, and you're meeting the people in Sam's life for the first time. At some point, Sam will have told everyone he knows about your beauty contest past. Unless he's prone to repeating himself, he'll probably stop making these references.

Good luck, "M", and please let me know how it turns out.