Are Long-Distance Relationships a Waste of Time?

(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please send any questions you may have to jim@attorneyatlove.com).

DEAR JIM: I'm 56, divorced, and live in the mountains of North Carolina. I work in a female-dominated field (medical claims administration), and don't meet many eligible men in my daily life, so I've registered with a couple of online dating sites. I've received very few responses from men who live anywhere near here, and the two dates I've had were disappointing (one guy had totally distorted his work and marital history, and the other one was incapable of conversation). Just this past weekend, though, I was contacted by a man who looks and sounds great, but who lives nearly a thousand miles away. He says he's always fantasized about visiting this area, and would like to come for a long weekend next month. He's not suggesting he stay with me or anything like that, but I'm wondering now if the whole thing is just a waste of time. I'm not looking for a three-day romance, nor am I looking for someone who's just going to be a pen-pal afterward. Is this doomed from the start? ("Shelly" in Asheville)

DEAR SHELLY: Well, it's probably doomed if you think it's doomed. It seems to me that, as long as you're not leading this man on in some way (e.g., implying that you'll have sex with him that weekend), there's absolutely no harm in seeing what happens. If he turns out to be yet another disappointment, so what? What will you have lost?

But if he's as great in person as he seems on the computer screen, you're not necessarily limited to either a brief fling or a pen-pal relationship. A relationship could evolve in any number of ways. If he likes the area enough (and likes you enough), he may come back more often, possibly for longer periods. He might even , at some point, want to move to Asheville. That may sound far-fetched, but people move all the time for all sorts of reasons. You haven't told me what his employment situation is, but maybe he owns a small business that can be relocated; or maybe he can work for extended periods from remote locations; or maybe he's close to retirement and could move anywhere. The fact that he took the trouble to contact someone in Asheville seems to imply that he at least has a genuine interest in the area.

A long-distance relationship can actually be a good thing, especially for people in their fifties or beyond who have gotten used to a fair amount of independence. Seeing someone every so often, but communicating frequently by phone or e-mail in between those visits, is a way of developing a relationship without the pressure of having to see a person all the time, or without disrupting a daily routine that may be comfortable for you.

Given that you don't have any other romantic relationship right now, I see no reason not to give this a chance. So think positively, enjoy whatever time you spend with this man, and don't try to force things afterward. Good luck, Shelly, and please let me know what happens.