Is He Your Husband or Your Roommate?

(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please send any questions you may have to jim@attorneyatlove.com).

DEAR JIM: My husband and I are both 33 and we've been married a little over a year. Even though we're married, he insists on having separate bank accounts and separate credit cards---the way we did when we were living together. If he wants to buy something for himself, he pays for it out of his funds, and he wants me to do the same with my purchases. He pays the rent each month, but then I have to reimburse him for fifty percent of it from my chacking account. The same goes for groceries and other common expenses. I see this as unfair, because he makes nearly twice what I do. Do you agree? ("Jen" in San Antonio)

DEAR JEN: Yes, I do agree with you. Your husband's system may have made sense when you were living together, but it is not appropriate for a marriage, even if the two spouses are both earning the same amount. Separate checkbooks imply that there's no common financial bond betwen the spouses. If he wants to buy a new Corvette, he can just do it without consulting you, even if you're trying to save for a down payment on a house. The only question becomes whether "he" can afford it. To me, that's a sign of a lack of commitment to the marriage.

Beyond that, he needs to understand that half of the money he earns is yours (and half of the money you earn is his). Texas is what is called a community property state, which means that any money earned by either spouse during the marriage becomes the property of both spouses, 50-50. The only exceptions are funds received by one spouse or the other as an inheritance or as a gift.

You have to explain to your husband that the two of you are no longer just roomates or "friends with benefits." You're a married couple with (I would hope) common financial and life goals. That doesn't mean that he can't treat himself to a new set of golf clubs, or you can't enjoy some pampering at the day spa once in a while. But it does mean that your various purchases and indulgences should fit into a joint budget, and shouldn't be based solely on who earns what.

If your husband continues to be stubborn on this issue, I think you should explore marriage counseling; as I say, his attitude may reflect deeper issues that you should both address now, before they seriously threaten your marriage.

Good luck, Jen, and let me know what happens.