(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please send any questions you may have to jim@attorneyatlove.com).
DEAR JIM: I'm 36, my husband is 40, and we have two daughters, 12 and 9. The four of us go out twice a month to an Applebee's nearby, and we've been doing that for over a year. The past couple of months, I've noticed that when we have a particular waitress, "Kim", my husband gives her at least a 30% tip---once it was close to 50%---whereas he never tips anyone else more than 15 to 20 percent. Kim is nice, and always talks sweetly to the girls, but she's not that much better than anyone else there. I should mention that Kim is about 22 and extremely cute. I'm starting to feel that this is my husband's way of flirting with her. Am I right to feel annoyed? And is this how some guys try to soften women up for an affair? ("Maria" in Orlando)
DEAR MARIA: Yes, you're probably right about the "flirting-by-overtipping" behavior. But, to put it in perspective, probably ninety percent of men---including ninety percent of happily-married men---are guilty of it. And that's why it's a well-known fact in the restaurant business that the cuter the waitress (or bartender), the bigger the tips.
Unless you have seen signs that your husband is seeing Kim anywhere other than at the restaurant, or has been phoning, e-mailing, or texting her, I wouldn't be concerned that he's giving her big tips as a way of trying to seduce her. Your husband has undoubtedly noticed how cute Kim is, but he'd have to be a total fool to think that a 22 year old waitress is going to want to get involved with a forty year old married man who comes in with his wife and daughters. Trust me: Kim gets hit on by customers ten times a day, and a lot of them are single and closer to her age (and may tip a lot bigger than your husband does).
I think what often happens with any server is that once you give her (or him) a big tip, it becomes hard not to keep overtipping. If you've been giving someone thirty to forty percent, and then give twenty percent, the server will think something is wrong, even though twenty percent is a perfectly good tip in most restaurants. It's a vicious circle, and by definition vicious circles are hard to break.
Look at it this way: assuming your pre-tip check twice a month is $100.00 (which, for Applebee's, is probably on the high side), and assuming that Kim is the only waitress you ever have (which is apparently not the case), and assuming that the tip your husband gives her is $40.00 each time instead of $20.00, in an entire year the difference would come to $480.00 ($20.00 x 24). As I suggested, the actual amount may be quite a bit less. I'm not saying you couldn't find a more pressing use for that $480.00 (or whatever the amount may be), but if that's your husband's biggest financial indulgence, and there's no hint of any extracurricular conduct with Kim, I would consider it a relatively harmless one.
By the way, Maria, I didn't suggest one obvious "solution"---having you be the one who pays the check and thus decides what the tip will be---because your husband would probably take that as a blow to his ego, especially when he's well-known by the staff at a particular restaurant. You'd be risking too much for too little reward.
I'm not sure if this is what you wanted to hear, Maria, but I hope it helps. Good luck.