He Won't Tell Her Why He Broke Up With Her

(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please send any questions you may have to jim@attorneyatlove.com).

DEAR JIM: I was dating a guy I met on a dating site for about three months, and I thought things were going great. But then all of a sudden he stopped calling and wouldn't return my calls or e-mails. He finally sent me a one-line e-mail that basically said he needed to take a break and think things over. That was it: no explanation whatsoever. We never had an argument, and I can't imagine what caused this. I saw yesterday that he's back on the site, and he says he's looking for something "long term." Well, he could have had something long term with me! At this point, I'm not trying to get him back, I just want to understand what went wrong. Maybe it will help me the next time. Am I stupid to keep contacting him? ("Marci" in Scottsdale, AZ)

DEAR MARCI: It's understandable that you want an explanation, but you're not going to get one from this guy no matter how hard you try. At best, he'd give you one of those "It's not you, it's me" lines just to get you off his back.

Sad to say, his behavior is pretty typical. Most guys hate having uncomfortable conversations with women, hate having to explain their actions and motivations, hate the feeling of being attacked. Most guys, after a breakup, just want it all to go away quickly and quietly. To put it bluntly, most guys are cowards in dealing with women.

So, Marci, you have to stop contacting him, and accept the reality that you're never going to get a full and satisfactory account of what caused him to bail out of the relationship. It might comfort you to know, though, that it almost certainly was him and not you. My educated guess is that, despite what he says about wanting a long-term relationship, he's uncomfortable with commitment. He likes the early stages of a relationship, but gets nervous when a woman seems to want more than casual dating. The closer a woman gets to him, the more he pulls back. Sooner or later, it was inevitable that your relationship with him would have ended.

But even though most men are cowards with respect to explaining why they broke off a relationship, not every man is afraid of commitment. There are definitely good men out there, but you'll never meet them until you stop obsessing about the last guy. Good luck, Marci, and let me know what happens.