When YOUR Kind of Love is not HIS Kind of Love

"The hardest lesson to accept is that people have only their kind of love to give, not our kind".
(Mignon McLaughlin, playwright and journalist)

Unless they're talking about genetically-determined skills like slam-dunking a basketball or throwing a baseball 100 miles an hour, I hate it when people say they "can't" do something. I hate it even more when they say they're too old or too set in their ways to change their attitudes or behaviors. I want to believe---I do believe---that people, if sufficiently aware and sufficiently motivated, can choose to become better communicators, better lovers, better spouses, better people.

And yet, I know that most people aren't particularly motivated to change. They are what they are, they say, and they're OK with that. Unfortunately, the people closest to them are not always OK with it. A wife is not likely to be happy when her husband has his eyes glued to the computer screen whenever she's talking to him; or if he never smiles, or initiates a pleasant conversation, or gives her little compliments; or when their sex life---such as it is---is always about his pleasure and convenience, not hers.

That kind of husband may honestly feel that he loves his wife...in his way. She understands that, doesn't she? Isn't marriage about accepting people for who they are, about accepting the kind of love they have to give?

Well, maybe that was the case in Mignon McLaughlin's day (she wrote the line I quoted in 1946), but these days people are less willing to accept laziness, selfishness, and bad behavior as the price of love. People have options. Divorce is one of them, as is having an affair or simply tuning out of the relationship. The sad thing is that, most of the time, people would rather not be exercising these kinds of options. They would much rather have attention, respect, gratitude, communication, and good sex within their marriage.

If you're tempted to look elsewhere or seek a divorce, you should first make sure that you've let your spouse know the extent of your frustrations, and given him a fair chance to do something about the problem. Of course, you shouldn't blame him for things that are truly out of his control, and you shouldn't expect miracles. Bad habits usually take a long time to develop and they rarely disappear overnight, so be satisfied with small-but-steady improvements

If he doesn't seem to care enough to even try to change, the next step is up to you. (Although you might want to hold off on taking a lover until you've read the "Thinking About Affairs" chapter in my book; affairs rarely deliver on their promise, and can be disastrous for all concerned). With any luck, though, his kind of love and your kind of love should eventually become more in sync, which, in the real world of marriage, is as good as most of us are going to get.