Good Guy/ Bad Guy

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't".
(Patrick Murray, British sitcom actor)

That's a funny line, but like all funny lines there's a lot of truth in it. In my book, I talk about men who have confessed that they wouldn't mind if their wives had an affair or simply walked out of the marriage. These men had clearly lost interest in their marriages, but were unwilling to be seen as the bad guy. So, instead of either putting more energy into the marriage or taking affirmative steps toward divorce, they just drift along, dying a little bit every day, hoping for some miracle to save them.

My guess is that there are a lot of people like that, people who hate being where they are but who lack the imagination or the courage to get to a different place. The saddest thing is that they're not only hurting themselves, they're hurting their spouses, too; people that unhappy are undoubtedly dragging down the people closest to them. (Maybe that's subconsciously part of their strategy: making things so miserable for their spouse that he or she will get fed up and leave).

And by not talking openly with their spouse about their marital issues or complaints, they deprive the spouse of a chance to try to improve the situation; or they deprive the spouse of a chance to get out while the getting's good, instead of wasting the best years of his or her life in a hopeless marriage.

None of us enjoys being the bad guy, but it's vital to recognize that if we're desperately unhappy in our marriage and refuse to do something about it, we're already being "bad" to ourself and to our spouse. It's never easy to have to tell our spouse that we're contemplating divorce, but the alternative is worse: year after year of lifeless communication, dreary arguments, diminishing sexual enjoyment, and mutual bitterness.

A comedian can get some laughs out of his (supposed) marital miseries, but most of us aren't so lucky. A marriage with no future---if that's truly the case---is anything but funny. If you're in that kind of marriage, don't wait for a miracle; create one. Sit down with your spouse and, for once, speak from your heart. Don't raise your voice, assign blame, or rehash old arguments, but at the same time, don't apologize for something that isn't your fault. Be gentle, but get to the point. But also listen to what your spouse has to say in response, especially if he or she is willing to try something new to address the problems. (By listening only to your own voice, you may have made your problems worse in your mind than they really are). You may also want to consider outside help, in the form of marriage counseling or couples' workshops.

Whatever you do, be brave, and honest, and respectful of your spouse. In other words, be the good guy.