Resolutions You Can Actually Keep

"Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right".
(Oprah Winfrey)

Although I'm a believer in self-improvement, I'm not always a big fan of New Year's resolutions. Like many people, I've tended to be overly ambitious in my resolutions, perhaps feeling that unless I set a big goal (e.g. , competing in a triathlon by summer) I would never be sufficiently motivated to do all the things needed to accomplish it (getting up at 4:45AM for an hour's run before work). But after a week of enduring January's icy sidewalks, my sleep and comfort start seeming much more important than a triathlon eight months from now.

Chances are, though, that if I had set a less grandiose goal (maybe a half-hour of hard exercise four days a week, followed by ten minutes of stretching), I would have stayed with the program, maybe even to the point where I could step up the training a bit and actually do a triathlon without killing myself.

With this in mind, I'd like to suggest that we make resolutions that are important but relatively easy to achieve, goals that, over time, will pave the way for achieving bigger goals. Since this blog is primarily about marital relationships, let me suggest a couple of modest resolutions that could make your marriage better in 2008.

If you're a man, probably the best resolution you can make is to start noticing your wife again. I can't tell you the number of times that women have told me that their husbands never notice that they've got a different hair style or hair color, or that they're wearing something new. Lack of notice is often interpreted as a lack of appreciation, which can lead to all sorts of problems, up to and including affairs and divorce.

The easiest way to start noticing your wife is to pretend that you're in a dating relationship rather than a marriage. Unless you're a self-possessed jerk, if you're dating a woman you want to make a good impression on her. You pay attention to her, you compliment her on how nice she looks, you do everything you can to make her feel special and to make her think of you as someone special. Because you've, presumably, done all this before, you don't even have to learn new skills. Just open your eyes, smile, and express your compliments and your appreciation.

Women tend to be better than men at noticing things, and are often more comfortable with giving compliments, but they're not always comfortable with receiving compliments. Too often, women react to compliments by brushing them off ("I like your haircut". "Oh God, she cut it way too short. It's going to take weeks to grow out...").

It's up to you if you want to talk like that to your girlfriends (I don't pretend to understand the "code" that seems to underlie woman-to-woman conversation), but I guarantee you it will turn your husband off and inhibit him from giving you more compliments in the future. A simple "thank you" is all that's needed, or expected.

And speaking of "thank you", maybe all of us---husbands and wives---can resolve in 2008 to express the little courtesies. "Please", "thank you", "may I...", and "would you like..." are expressions that somehow tend to disappear after the honeymoon is over. It's never too late, though, to start using them again. They're a symbol of respect for the other person, and respect, like appreciation, is one of the things that can hold a marriage together, in good times and bad.

Have a wonderful 2008!