To Tell---or Not to Tell---Her Husband She Has a Male Friend

(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please send any questions you may have to jim@attorneyatlove.com).

DEAR JIM: The letter from the lady who likes to dance but her husband doesn't [see blog entry dated November 19, 2010] is a bit like my situation. I, too, am retired and have become enthusiastic about watercolor painting, something I used to do but never had enough time for when I was younger. My husband, though, has never had any interest in art. That's OK with me, but I've met a really nice man in my class who is a very good painter and who has invited me to a couple of art openings and receptions. A part of me would like to go, but I haven't said anything to my husband about having a male friend, and I don't know how he'd react. My friend, by the way, is divorced, but he's been nothing but a gentleman and I'm sure he's not looking for anything other than friendship. Should I say something to my husband, or would that just be asking for trouble? ("CJ")

DEAR CJ: I definitely believe that it's possible for a man and a woman to have a Platonic friendship, provided that they're both careful about crossing the line from friendship to romance. However, because some people do cross that line, I believe that married people should be honest with their spouses about such friendships, and, if necessary, hash out any issues that may arise.

Your husband hasn't told you he doesn't want you to go places with your friend, and for all you know he might be totally agreeable to the idea. So, coming out and telling him might resolve the problem on the spot.

And even if your husband reacts negatively, at least the situation is out in the open. My guess is that, if you didn't say anything to your husband, eventually you'd go to one of those art events anyway, because that's what you seem to want. And if that happened and your husband heard through the grapevine that you were there with a man---a man he had never heard about---your motives would immediately be suspect.

If you can present the facts to your husband the same way your presented them to me---that you and your friend have a common interest in art but that neither of you is interested in anything more than a friendship---he ought to react in a mature way. If he doesn't, you'd still be within your rights to go to the occasional art opening with your friend, although you'd want to be careful not to rub salt into your husband's wounds. So, don't go out to dinner afterward with your friend, don't start seeing him for drinks, etc. At some point, your husband would realize that he has nothing to worry about.

Good luck, CJ, and please let me know what happens.