She's Tempted by an Ex-Lover

(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please send any questions you may have to jim@attorneyatlove.com).

DEAR JIM: I need some advice in a hurry. The other day, out of the blue, I got an e-mail from a guy I was involved with nearly twenty years ago, telling me that he's coming out to my city on business for a week and would like to see me. Back then I was very much in love with him, at least until I found out that he was seeing two other women at the same time. He and I supposedly had a committed relationship, and it hurt me deeply to learn that he had been unfaithful. We had a big argument, and never contacted each other again until now.

We both eventually married other people, but now I'm divorced and he's still married (unhappily, he says). I normally wouldn't get involved with a married man, but the truth is he was a great lover, and right now I have no sex life whatsoever (I've got two teenage kids who take up most of my time). Would I be crazy to see him again, or crazy not to? ("On the Fence" in Florida)

DEAR "ON THE FENCE": I don't know if you'd be crazy to see him, but I think you'd regret it.

Do you honestly think you could have sex with this particular guy without becoming emotionally involved with him all over again? I suppose it's possible, but I tend to doubt it. And if those feelings were to come back, how would it feel to have to break up with him---in a sense---a second time? It hurt bad the first time, and it could still hurt bad now---despite the fact that this time you'd know all along he has someone else.

Being hurt a second time would be a genuine concern even if he were unmarried. But his marital status only makes the situation worse. If he's telling the truth that his marriage is an unhappy one, do you want to get pulled into the drama of whether he should stay with his wife or leave her? Could you handle being the "other woman" in a divorce case, or simply knowing that you've violated your principles about not getting involved with someone who's married?

And if he's lying about his "unhappy" marriage in order to make you feel less guilty about having sex with him, how will it feel to know you've been lied to (again)?

All in all, I see this ending badly for you, one way or another.

I'm not ignoring what you said about your nonexistent sex life. That's a legitimate problem for you and countless other women in your situation. Having a fling with a married man may appear to solve the problem, at least temporarily, but it's only going to create new problems. If you have time to be thinking about, and sleeping with, your former boyfriend, you have time to take some steps to meet men who are truly available. And who knows? Some of them might be great lovers, too!

Good luck, "On the Fence," and please let me know what happens.