She's Sick of Being Called "Stupid"

(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please send any questions you may have to jim@attorneyatlove.com).

DEAR JIM: I'm 26 and have been going with a guy for about a year. There's one thing about him that bothers me. He is always either saying that I'm stupid, or that something I'm doing (like watching certain TV shows or reading People magazine) is stupid. I've told him plenty of times that I don't appreciate being called stupid, and he always replies that it's only because he knows I'm a smart person that he's being tough on me. In other words, he's holding me to a higher standard than he'd hold someone else. Because of this, he thinks it's sort of a compliment when he criticizes me. Am I being too sensitive? ("Kim" in Oklahoma)

DEAR KIM: No, you're not being too sensitive. Your boyfriend is trying to put a good spin on his obnoxious and insulting remarks, but, to your credit, you're not buying it.

When a man habitually calls a woman stupid, it's a red flag. It's often a sign that he's trying to control the woman or bully her into becoming something other than what she is. It can also mean he's contemptuous of her, or that he's contemptuous of himself for not having a "smarter" woman in his life. At the very least, it's a sign that he's arrogant and tactless.

I'm not necessarily saying your relationship is hopeless, but it will be if your boyfriend doesn't make some big changes in a hurry. You've got to keep standing up for yourself whenever he utters the word "stupid," and you've got to cut him off the minute he goes into the bogus
explanation that he's really complimenting you. Tell him politely but firmly that that's not the kind of compliment you appreciate.

You could also tell your boyfriend---in a lighthearted but serious way---that you're going to fine him five dollars each time he calls you or something you do "stupid." And then do it. As soon as he utters the word, stop him dead in his tracks and say, with a smile, "Five dollars, please." If he can smile back, then maybe there's hope for him. But if it just makes him rant all the more about your "stupid" fines and your "stupid" sensitivity to his words, then you should throw in the towel on this relationship, because the situation will only get worse.

Good luck, Kim, and please let me know what happens.