The Caregiver Blues---Part Two

(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please direct any questions you may have to jim@attorneyatlove.com).

DEAR JIM: The letter from the lady from Florida [see previous blog post, dated June 21, 2010] brought back some sad memories. When I was 50---I'm 64 now---I married for the second time. My new husband was twelve years older than me, but seemed to be in great health. Unfortunately, six months after we married he started showing symptoms of Parkinson's Disease. It didn't turn him into an invalid overnight, but slowly but surely it took over his life---and mine, too. To make a long story short, he lived another ten years. By the time I was 55, I had to give up my job in order to care for him, and, to be honest, I was pretty resentful much of the time. Unlike the lady from Florida, I wasn't tempted to have sex with anyone else, but there were times I just wanted to pack up my car and drive off into the sunset. I didn't, but I have to admit I felt a great relief when my husband finally passed away.

I find myself now in a situation where for the past nine months I've been seeing a man my age. I met him at a widows/widowers club, and he's very marriage-minded. I enjoy his company immensely, but whenever he brings up the subject of marriage all I can think about are my years as a caregiver. I hate to be morbid or selfish, but I just don't think I could go through that again. Am I destined to be alone? ("Sally" in Texas)

DEAR SALLY: You've been through one of the toughest experiences I can imagine. It's difficult enough being a caregiver to someone you've been married to for thirty or forty years. But to take on that role so soon after you've gotten married requires almost superhuman dedication.

I also admire the fact that you're honest enough to admit that the caregiver role was a difficult one for you. Many people are afraid to confront their supposed weaknesses, or are too quick to forget the lessons they learned about themselves.

I don't think you should ignore your fears. Statistically, men tend to die six or seven years younger than women do, and most of those deaths are preceded by a period of illness or disability. So there's a fairly good chance that you may be called on again to be a caregiver.

On the other hand, I don't think you should let your fears overwhelm you. The man you're seeing could beat the odds and live another twenty or thirty healthy years. Or it might turn out that you'll need him (or someone, anyway) to be a caregiver---good health, as you know, can change overnight, for a woman as well as a man.

If you haven't already, I think you should tell your gentleman friend what your fears are. It may or may not make him feel differently about you, but he has the right to know if you're reluctant to take on a caregiver role. It's possible that he may even welcome the conversation; since he's a widower himself he's no stranger to illness and death, and he may surprise you with his insights.

It's also possible, of course, that he could end the relationship and look for someone else. If it happens, it happens, but if this particular relationship doesn't lead to marriage it doesn't necessarily mean you're destined to be alone. It might only mean that---for now, at least---you might be more comfortable with men who are not so determined to remarry. Believe me: there are plenty of non-marriage-minded men out there, and one of them might offer you all that you're looking for.

Good luck, Sally, and please let me know what happens.