Why Won't Her Boyfriend Introduce Her to His Kids?

(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please send any questions you may have to jim@attorneyatlove.com).

DEAR JIM: I'm 35 and have never been married. For the past seven months I've been dating a slightly older guy who is divorced and has two daughters, 9 and 11, who live with his ex-wife about a hundred miles away. His divorce decree allows him to see his girls every weekend. For as long as I've known him, he's driven to a halfway point early on Saturday morning, where his ex-wife meets him and drops off the girls. He then drives them back to his home where they stay until mid-afternoon on Sunday, when he and his ex do the drop-off in reverse. I've never actually met the girls. I'd love to meet them, but he always says something about how they're not ready yet to accept a new woman in his life. I love the fact that he's a good father, and I know that kids can resist the idea of their parents seeing new people, but I'm troubled that he won't take even small steps to introduce me to his girls. Is this normal behavior for divorced fathers? ("Ana" in California)

DEAR ANA: Well, I'd say it's normal behavior for a man who's uncomfortable about something.

If the two of you have been seeing each other for seven months (and I'm going to assume it's an exclusive relationship), your boyfriend ought to be comfortable enough by now to let his daughters know that there's a woman in his life. He doesn't have to overdo it. You don't have to spend every minute of the weekend with him and the girls. You don't even have to spend the night; in fact, it might be advisable not to spend the night until the girls have completely bonded with you, which could take many months.

But the process has to start somewhere. One weekend, you could all go out to lunch on Saturday. The next weekend, it could be Saturday and Sunday---as you say, small steps. But until some steps are taken, I think I'd be careful about becoming over-invested in this man. Something is causing him to hold back. I have no idea what it is, but I've seen situations where divorced husbands (or divorced wives) are holding out hope that they can get back together with their ex. I've also seen situations where divorced people didn't feel committed enough in their new relationship to "go public" with it, at least with respect to their kids or other family members; or situations where divorced people are worried that the kids will somehow cause trouble by telling the ex everything after they return home from a weekend visit.

Whatever your boyfriend's motivation may be, his reluctance to let you meet his daughters is something of a red flag. I think you need to explain your concerns to him, fully and frankly. If you don't get a satisfactory answer, you should think about putting this relationship on the back burner until he's resolved whatever issues he seems to be struggling with.

Good luck, Ana, and please let me know what happens.