Girlfriend's Obsessive-Compulsive Behavior is Threatening Their Relationship

(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please send any questions you may have to jim@attorneyatlove.com).

DEAR JIM: I'm going out with a wonderful and accomplished woman---she's a professor at a well-known university---who has one habit that absolutely drives me crazy. Whenever we go out somewhere, she invariably becomes panicked a few minutes later that she left the back door of her house unlocked, or that she didn't turn off the burners on the stove, or some other situation that requires us to turn around, go back to her house, and verify that things are OK. This has happened at least ten times over the three months we've been going out, and not once has the problem she was worrying about been true. Because of this, we've been late to movies, concerts, and restaurants, and beyond that it's just tiring having to deal with this. I've suggested she see a psychologist, but she insists that she's just being careful, and that several times in the past (before I knew her) she did actually leave a door unlocked, or whatever. Any thoughts? ("Going Nuts" in the Midwest)

DEAR GOING NUTS: I'm not a psychologist, but your girlfriend's behavior certainly sounds like some form of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). From what I understand, OCD is not something that resolves itself on its own, especially when the person feels it's a rational response to a potentially-dangerous situation that could happen or---as you say---has happened.

I agree with you that she would profit from seeing a psychologist, particularly one who specializes in OCD. (And because OCD is relatively common, it shouldn't be that hard to find one). Because she's resisted the idea so far, you might want to soft-pedal your suggestions so she doesn't feel you're trying to run her life, especially given that your relationship is still relatively new. Perhaps you could show her articles from the Internet about OCD, especially if they describe symptoms similar to hers.

If she still resists seeking treatment, you may need to go through a checklist approach every time the two of you leave her house: doors locked, windows closed, stove off, coffee maker unplugged, etc. My guess is she may still think of something that wasn't on the list, but it's worth a try, anyway.

I suppose you could also put your foot down and simply say "No; we're already late and we're not going back to the house." But that's a calculated risk. It might turn out OK, but then again it might only increase her sense of anxiety and lead to a calamitous evening---and possibly even to the end of your relationship. Because of that risk, I feel the psychologist approach is the best one.

Good luck, and please let me know what happens.