Talking Your Way to a Better Relationship

"Ultimately the bond of companionship, whether in marriage or friendship, is conversation".
(Oscar Wilde)

Oscar Wilde was capable of simple profundities as well as outragious witticisms, no more so than in this quotation. Those of us who write about marriage and relationships often spend so much time stressing the need to work on our communication skills, that our readers may justifiably assume that communication equals work. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Communication---or at least some of our communications---should be fun. Every day of our lives, we should be having conversations that make us smile, draw on pleasant memories, put us in a better mood, or, with any luck, bring us closer to our truest self. If we're married, at least one of those daily conversations should be with our spouse.

I'm well aware that there are dozens of verbal exchanges between husband and wife that are necessary but mundane. Have you seen my keys? Did you put out the recycling bin? Have we paid the insurance bill? Do we need more beer before the weekend? Do we have a birthday card somewhere to send to your sister? These things all have to be dealt with, but they should never be the only things that spouses talk about. Nor should the sole alternative be heavy talks about "our relationship". If spouses had frequent and enjoyable "light" conversations, there would be little need for the heavy ones.

The key is to find conversational subjects that engage both spouses more-or-less equally. I'm lucky that my wife is a sports fan; I can go into a rant about Alex Rodriguez without boring her to tears. And she's lucky that (after some initial resistance) I've gotten hooked on "Dancing With the Stars"; we can, and do, debate endlessly who should stay and who should get voted off. Your interests may be different from ours, but there's got to be something that you and your spouse share, and that you'd have fun talking about.

Where the effort comes in is in forming the conversational habit in the first place. If you've had little more than perfunctory exchanges for months or even years, it may seem vaguely uncomfortable to both of you to be having a more extended chat. But don't get overly discouraged---and don't take it personally---if your spouse retreats to his newspaper or computer screen after a few minutes. You can try again tomorrow. At some point, conversation will start feeling normal again, and your marital bond will be just a little bit stronger.