The Fine Art of Shaking Things Up

"Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit".
(W. Somerset Maugham)

I'm normally a great believer in the ancient Greek dictum of moderation in all things. A day wouldn't seem complete to me if I didn't have a glass or two of wine with dinner, but my nights of binge-drinking are---thankfully---long in the past. It's the same with food: I have a big appetite, but my metabolism isn't what it was at twenty-five, so I've learned to eat---and actually enjoy---smaller portions. I'd rather cut back a bit on my food and drink today, than have my doctor tell me tomorrow that my habits are killing me.

That's all well and good, but sometimes we form habits of moderation in areas of life that call out for a little excess, or even just a little variety. This is particularly true when we're married. All too often, we do the same things together. We have a limited number of restaurants we go to, a limited number of other people---usually couples---we socialize with, a limited number of things we talk about. We have long since given up going to music or dance clubs, or picking up the phone and inviting someone over right now for a drink, or doing anything at all that's spontaneous or a little bit crazy.

After a while, moderation breeds a certain numbness. Our sense of possibility becomes, almost imperceptibly, narrowed, and our imagination dulled. We stop taking delight in things. We start thinking and acting like people who are old beyond our years, people stuck in a rut and half the time not even knowing we're stuck.

If this sounds even remotely like your marriage, I urge you to do something soon to shake things up. The good news is that the more boring things have become, the less it takes to make your life---and your marriage---a little more stimulating. You don't have to buy a Harley or a Porsche, or take up sky diving, or move to the Yucatan. It might be enough just to go out tomorrow night to a restaurant you've never been to, or drive this weekend to some bed-and-breakfast, sight-unseen, or invite an unmarried friend over for dinner instead of the same couple you always invite. It might be enough to go to some live jazz or blues club (and so what that you might be the oldest people there?). It might be enough to dust off that bottle of wine you've been saving for a special occasion, and make tonight that special occasion.

The reason I say all this is that I've seen too many marriages die a premature death from boredom. When there's not enough oxygen to breathe, not enough sunlight coming in, someone will eventually do something just to feel alive. Unfortunately, that "something" may be an affair or some other act of desperation. Before you're tempted to do something crazy outside your marriage, do something a little crazy within your marriage. Liven things up, one small step at a time. Pretend that you're still single, think of your nights out as dates, dress a little sharper, look at---and listen to---your spouse the way you used to, and break that cycle of boredom before it breaks your marriage.