Have You REALLY Kissed Your Spouse Lately?

"Kissing can be more intimate than intercourse"
(Dr. Sandra Scantling, certified sex therapist)

I'm a big fan of Dr. Sandra Scantling, who writes a popular column on sex and relationship issues for the Hartford Courant (which are archived on her website, www.drsandy.com). But when I first read those words, I was a bit skeptical. After all, aren't intimacy and intercourse virtually synonymous? (You will still hear people say, "We were intimate", as a euphemism for "We had sex").

But when I thought about it more, I realized that Dr. Scantling was absolutely right. What can be more sensual, more expressive, more intimate than a kiss? In fact, shortly after I read Dr. Scantling's column on kissing, I read a Chicago Tribune interview with someone described as a "lifestyle coach for swingers" (interesting job title), who said that the number one ground rule for swingers' parties is No Kissing. "It's just too intimate" for even swingers to handle, the coach explained.

Actually, I might re-phrase Dr. Scantling's words to say, "Kissing should be more intimate than intercourse", because, unfortunately, in the typical mid-life marriage, kisses are anything but intimate. The long, wet, passionate kisses of our single days are quickly replaced by the perfunctory peck on the cheek. Why? Do we think that we don't "need" to kiss if we have sex? Do we think that kissing, like holding hands, is somehow unseemly if we've been together for years and years? Are we just plain thoughtless and lazy about showing affection?

Whatever the reason, we need to break the peck-on-the-cheek habit, or at least reserve it for those times when we'd be truly embarrassed to have other people see us kissing in a more passionate manner. (And even then, you're really setting a good example for the repressed married people of the world).

Because the best way to break a habit is to replace it with another one, start today. When your spouse comes home tonight, give him or her the kind of kiss you used to give. Do it again after dinner, and before you get into bed. As Dr. Scantling says, "Let's return kissing to its rightful place in lovemaking. Dare to be as intimate now as you were then...and never underestimate the power of a kiss".