(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please send any questions you may have to jim@attorneyatlove.com).
DEAR JIM: I'm 48 and have been divorced a little less than a year. I've been using online dating sites for the past six months, and I'm getting frustrated with women who say in their profile that they're "sexy" or "sensual", but when you meet them are not really interested in having sex. Do all women like to use sex as a kind of bait-and-switch tactic? ("Alan" in Washington, DC)
DEAR ALAN: I suppose there will always be a certain percentage of women who use sex as a come-on and a tease, but my guess is that you're dealing with something different. The vast majority of women in their thirties, forties, and beyond do enjoy sex but they only want to have it with a man they feel a genuine connection with. It's a rare woman who will have sex on a first date, even if the man is interesting and attractive. Most women need to know a man better, need to trust him and be comfortable with him, before they'll go to bed with him. Even a woman with a high sex drive is going to wait until the time seems right.
It could be that you're trying too hard. If, when you go out with a woman for the first time, you're constantly hinting that you'd love to sleep with her, she's going to pull back. She probably knows, instinctively, that a relationship based primarily on sex is not likely to be a long-lasting one. And if you make uninvited sexual suggestions in your initial online messages, there probably won't even be a first date.
My advice is to be more relaxed and less goal-driven. Don't go on a first date with the mentality that either the two of you are going to have sex that night or the date was a failure. Let things evolve naturally. If you're genuinely attracted to her and want to see her again, you can let her know that in a subtle way. Don't drool over her or keep glacing down at her breasts. Compliment her, but don't go overboard with the compliments. Let her know you're interested in seeing her again, but don't appear desperate or pushy. In fact, when it comes to sex, the harder you push, the less likely it is you'll get it.
Good luck, Alan, and please let me know what happens.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Should She Confess Her Bisexual History?
(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please send any questions you may have to jim@attorneyatlove.com).
DEAR JIM: I'm 34 and will be getting married this coming October. "Scott" and I have been with each other for four years and we've told each other about our previous lovers---not all the details necessarily, but who they were in a general sense---and it hasn't been upsetting to either of us. However, I haven't told Scott about a gay female roommate I had in college. She made no secret of the fact that she found me attractive, and I found her attractive, too. For a few months we were lovers. She graduated before I did and I haven't seen her since, nor have I had a sexual relationship with any other women. I do enjoy looking at women's bodies, but I have no desire to ever go beyond that again. My question is, should I tell Scott, or would that be just asking for trouble? ("Nicole" in the Pacific Northwest)
DEAR NICOLE: I don't always recommend full disclosure about prior sexual partners. A while back [8/11/09], I advised a woman who had had a one-week affair not to confess the affair to her husband. I felt that a confession was unnecessary, partly because there was virtually no chance the husband would ever find out otherwise. (The woman met her lover at an out-of-town conference; no one other than her lover knows about the affair, and he's also married and lives halfway across the country). More importantly, a confession would almost certainly have hurt her husband and jeopardized her marriage. Whatever relief she might have felt from coming clean would have been temporary, whereas the repercussions could have been long-term.
In your case, though, I think you should tell Scott. Unlike the situation with the woman who had the short-term affair, there is a chance that Scott might find out inadvertently about your bisexual past. My guess is that most of your friends from college knew about it when it was going on, and in this Facebook age you never know who might post something that could find its way to Scott. And the woman herself may pop up again in some fashion. Obviously, you don't owe Scott any apologies for what you did before you met him, but you have given him the impression that you've told him at least something about all your prior sexual partners.
Chances are, though, Scott won't be bothered by any information you give him. For one thing, he wasn't bothered by your disclosures about your male lovers. Yes, this is different, but, unless a man's girlfriend or wife is about to leave him for another woman, he's usually not disturbed by her bisexual fantasies or prior bisexual relationships. In fact, a lot of men are turned on by the thought of their wife and another woman. Scott may see your story as evidence that you're a woman with a strong sex drive in general, and most men would see that as a positive. (And if Scott is threatened by your sex drive, you're better off learning that now than after you're married).
However, I think that, before you tell Scott, you might want to seek some counseling from a therapist with experience in sexual identity issues. I've seen enough cases of married people---male and female---who have suppressed their sexual identities for many years, and then leave their spouses for another man or another woman. And those cases are usually a tragedy for everyone involved. Even if you've already resolved any sexual orientation issues you might have had, an experienced therapist may help you come up with the best way to tell your story to Scott.
Good luck Nicole, and please let me know what happens.
DEAR JIM: I'm 34 and will be getting married this coming October. "Scott" and I have been with each other for four years and we've told each other about our previous lovers---not all the details necessarily, but who they were in a general sense---and it hasn't been upsetting to either of us. However, I haven't told Scott about a gay female roommate I had in college. She made no secret of the fact that she found me attractive, and I found her attractive, too. For a few months we were lovers. She graduated before I did and I haven't seen her since, nor have I had a sexual relationship with any other women. I do enjoy looking at women's bodies, but I have no desire to ever go beyond that again. My question is, should I tell Scott, or would that be just asking for trouble? ("Nicole" in the Pacific Northwest)
DEAR NICOLE: I don't always recommend full disclosure about prior sexual partners. A while back [8/11/09], I advised a woman who had had a one-week affair not to confess the affair to her husband. I felt that a confession was unnecessary, partly because there was virtually no chance the husband would ever find out otherwise. (The woman met her lover at an out-of-town conference; no one other than her lover knows about the affair, and he's also married and lives halfway across the country). More importantly, a confession would almost certainly have hurt her husband and jeopardized her marriage. Whatever relief she might have felt from coming clean would have been temporary, whereas the repercussions could have been long-term.
In your case, though, I think you should tell Scott. Unlike the situation with the woman who had the short-term affair, there is a chance that Scott might find out inadvertently about your bisexual past. My guess is that most of your friends from college knew about it when it was going on, and in this Facebook age you never know who might post something that could find its way to Scott. And the woman herself may pop up again in some fashion. Obviously, you don't owe Scott any apologies for what you did before you met him, but you have given him the impression that you've told him at least something about all your prior sexual partners.
Chances are, though, Scott won't be bothered by any information you give him. For one thing, he wasn't bothered by your disclosures about your male lovers. Yes, this is different, but, unless a man's girlfriend or wife is about to leave him for another woman, he's usually not disturbed by her bisexual fantasies or prior bisexual relationships. In fact, a lot of men are turned on by the thought of their wife and another woman. Scott may see your story as evidence that you're a woman with a strong sex drive in general, and most men would see that as a positive. (And if Scott is threatened by your sex drive, you're better off learning that now than after you're married).
However, I think that, before you tell Scott, you might want to seek some counseling from a therapist with experience in sexual identity issues. I've seen enough cases of married people---male and female---who have suppressed their sexual identities for many years, and then leave their spouses for another man or another woman. And those cases are usually a tragedy for everyone involved. Even if you've already resolved any sexual orientation issues you might have had, an experienced therapist may help you come up with the best way to tell your story to Scott.
Good luck Nicole, and please let me know what happens.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Getting Her Boyfriend's Eyes Off the Computer Screen
(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please send any questions you may have to jim@attorneyatlove.com).
DEAR JIM: My boyfriend and I have been living together for six months. He's a wonderful guy but he has one habit that annoys me: he often doesn't look at me when I speak to him. He'll be working on the computer or watching TV, and he'll answer me without looking up from what he's doing. I'm not bothering him just for the sake of bothering him. I'm usually asking him something that I need to know right then, such as when he would like dinner to be ready, or, if I'm on my way out to the store, if there's anything he needs. I hate to make a big deal out of it, but sometimes I feel invisible. ("Rachel" in Virginia)
DEAR RACHEL: You have a right to feel annoyed. Your boyfriend may not be aware that he's being rude, but he is. When two people are sharing a home---or sharing any space, really---each person has the obligation to acknowledge the other person's presence. In my opinion, answering questions without looking up from the TV or computer is insulting. It's as if he's saying that you're not as important at that moment as what he's looking at on the screen.
The fact that he's not trying to be insulting is an explanation, but not an excuse. It's a bad habit that will get only worse if it's not broken.
I suggest that the next time it happens, you say to him something like, "If this isn't a good time to talk, you can come and see me when you're done with what you're doing." Say it it a calm tone of voice, without any sarcasm. Chances are, he'll be a bit confused: "What do you mean? I can talk now." This gives you the chance to say, "Well, when I see you so engrossed in something you're looking at, I figured that was the most important thing for you right now. I'd appreciate it if you would just look up at me if you really want to talk."
It may take a while before your boyfriend completely breaks the habit, but if you're consistent in not allowing yourself to be invisible, and he understands why this isn't a trivial matter, I think it should work. Good luck, Sarah, and let me know what happens.
DEAR JIM: My boyfriend and I have been living together for six months. He's a wonderful guy but he has one habit that annoys me: he often doesn't look at me when I speak to him. He'll be working on the computer or watching TV, and he'll answer me without looking up from what he's doing. I'm not bothering him just for the sake of bothering him. I'm usually asking him something that I need to know right then, such as when he would like dinner to be ready, or, if I'm on my way out to the store, if there's anything he needs. I hate to make a big deal out of it, but sometimes I feel invisible. ("Rachel" in Virginia)
DEAR RACHEL: You have a right to feel annoyed. Your boyfriend may not be aware that he's being rude, but he is. When two people are sharing a home---or sharing any space, really---each person has the obligation to acknowledge the other person's presence. In my opinion, answering questions without looking up from the TV or computer is insulting. It's as if he's saying that you're not as important at that moment as what he's looking at on the screen.
The fact that he's not trying to be insulting is an explanation, but not an excuse. It's a bad habit that will get only worse if it's not broken.
I suggest that the next time it happens, you say to him something like, "If this isn't a good time to talk, you can come and see me when you're done with what you're doing." Say it it a calm tone of voice, without any sarcasm. Chances are, he'll be a bit confused: "What do you mean? I can talk now." This gives you the chance to say, "Well, when I see you so engrossed in something you're looking at, I figured that was the most important thing for you right now. I'd appreciate it if you would just look up at me if you really want to talk."
It may take a while before your boyfriend completely breaks the habit, but if you're consistent in not allowing yourself to be invisible, and he understands why this isn't a trivial matter, I think it should work. Good luck, Sarah, and let me know what happens.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Why is Husband "Overtipping" the Waitress?
(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please send any questions you may have to jim@attorneyatlove.com).
DEAR JIM: I'm 36, my husband is 40, and we have two daughters, 12 and 9. The four of us go out twice a month to an Applebee's nearby, and we've been doing that for over a year. The past couple of months, I've noticed that when we have a particular waitress, "Kim", my husband gives her at least a 30% tip---once it was close to 50%---whereas he never tips anyone else more than 15 to 20 percent. Kim is nice, and always talks sweetly to the girls, but she's not that much better than anyone else there. I should mention that Kim is about 22 and extremely cute. I'm starting to feel that this is my husband's way of flirting with her. Am I right to feel annoyed? And is this how some guys try to soften women up for an affair? ("Maria" in Orlando)
DEAR MARIA: Yes, you're probably right about the "flirting-by-overtipping" behavior. But, to put it in perspective, probably ninety percent of men---including ninety percent of happily-married men---are guilty of it. And that's why it's a well-known fact in the restaurant business that the cuter the waitress (or bartender), the bigger the tips.
Unless you have seen signs that your husband is seeing Kim anywhere other than at the restaurant, or has been phoning, e-mailing, or texting her, I wouldn't be concerned that he's giving her big tips as a way of trying to seduce her. Your husband has undoubtedly noticed how cute Kim is, but he'd have to be a total fool to think that a 22 year old waitress is going to want to get involved with a forty year old married man who comes in with his wife and daughters. Trust me: Kim gets hit on by customers ten times a day, and a lot of them are single and closer to her age (and may tip a lot bigger than your husband does).
I think what often happens with any server is that once you give her (or him) a big tip, it becomes hard not to keep overtipping. If you've been giving someone thirty to forty percent, and then give twenty percent, the server will think something is wrong, even though twenty percent is a perfectly good tip in most restaurants. It's a vicious circle, and by definition vicious circles are hard to break.
Look at it this way: assuming your pre-tip check twice a month is $100.00 (which, for Applebee's, is probably on the high side), and assuming that Kim is the only waitress you ever have (which is apparently not the case), and assuming that the tip your husband gives her is $40.00 each time instead of $20.00, in an entire year the difference would come to $480.00 ($20.00 x 24). As I suggested, the actual amount may be quite a bit less. I'm not saying you couldn't find a more pressing use for that $480.00 (or whatever the amount may be), but if that's your husband's biggest financial indulgence, and there's no hint of any extracurricular conduct with Kim, I would consider it a relatively harmless one.
By the way, Maria, I didn't suggest one obvious "solution"---having you be the one who pays the check and thus decides what the tip will be---because your husband would probably take that as a blow to his ego, especially when he's well-known by the staff at a particular restaurant. You'd be risking too much for too little reward.
I'm not sure if this is what you wanted to hear, Maria, but I hope it helps. Good luck.
DEAR JIM: I'm 36, my husband is 40, and we have two daughters, 12 and 9. The four of us go out twice a month to an Applebee's nearby, and we've been doing that for over a year. The past couple of months, I've noticed that when we have a particular waitress, "Kim", my husband gives her at least a 30% tip---once it was close to 50%---whereas he never tips anyone else more than 15 to 20 percent. Kim is nice, and always talks sweetly to the girls, but she's not that much better than anyone else there. I should mention that Kim is about 22 and extremely cute. I'm starting to feel that this is my husband's way of flirting with her. Am I right to feel annoyed? And is this how some guys try to soften women up for an affair? ("Maria" in Orlando)
DEAR MARIA: Yes, you're probably right about the "flirting-by-overtipping" behavior. But, to put it in perspective, probably ninety percent of men---including ninety percent of happily-married men---are guilty of it. And that's why it's a well-known fact in the restaurant business that the cuter the waitress (or bartender), the bigger the tips.
Unless you have seen signs that your husband is seeing Kim anywhere other than at the restaurant, or has been phoning, e-mailing, or texting her, I wouldn't be concerned that he's giving her big tips as a way of trying to seduce her. Your husband has undoubtedly noticed how cute Kim is, but he'd have to be a total fool to think that a 22 year old waitress is going to want to get involved with a forty year old married man who comes in with his wife and daughters. Trust me: Kim gets hit on by customers ten times a day, and a lot of them are single and closer to her age (and may tip a lot bigger than your husband does).
I think what often happens with any server is that once you give her (or him) a big tip, it becomes hard not to keep overtipping. If you've been giving someone thirty to forty percent, and then give twenty percent, the server will think something is wrong, even though twenty percent is a perfectly good tip in most restaurants. It's a vicious circle, and by definition vicious circles are hard to break.
Look at it this way: assuming your pre-tip check twice a month is $100.00 (which, for Applebee's, is probably on the high side), and assuming that Kim is the only waitress you ever have (which is apparently not the case), and assuming that the tip your husband gives her is $40.00 each time instead of $20.00, in an entire year the difference would come to $480.00 ($20.00 x 24). As I suggested, the actual amount may be quite a bit less. I'm not saying you couldn't find a more pressing use for that $480.00 (or whatever the amount may be), but if that's your husband's biggest financial indulgence, and there's no hint of any extracurricular conduct with Kim, I would consider it a relatively harmless one.
By the way, Maria, I didn't suggest one obvious "solution"---having you be the one who pays the check and thus decides what the tip will be---because your husband would probably take that as a blow to his ego, especially when he's well-known by the staff at a particular restaurant. You'd be risking too much for too little reward.
I'm not sure if this is what you wanted to hear, Maria, but I hope it helps. Good luck.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Is He Your Husband or Your Roommate?
(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please send any questions you may have to jim@attorneyatlove.com).
DEAR JIM: My husband and I are both 33 and we've been married a little over a year. Even though we're married, he insists on having separate bank accounts and separate credit cards---the way we did when we were living together. If he wants to buy something for himself, he pays for it out of his funds, and he wants me to do the same with my purchases. He pays the rent each month, but then I have to reimburse him for fifty percent of it from my chacking account. The same goes for groceries and other common expenses. I see this as unfair, because he makes nearly twice what I do. Do you agree? ("Jen" in San Antonio)
DEAR JEN: Yes, I do agree with you. Your husband's system may have made sense when you were living together, but it is not appropriate for a marriage, even if the two spouses are both earning the same amount. Separate checkbooks imply that there's no common financial bond betwen the spouses. If he wants to buy a new Corvette, he can just do it without consulting you, even if you're trying to save for a down payment on a house. The only question becomes whether "he" can afford it. To me, that's a sign of a lack of commitment to the marriage.
Beyond that, he needs to understand that half of the money he earns is yours (and half of the money you earn is his). Texas is what is called a community property state, which means that any money earned by either spouse during the marriage becomes the property of both spouses, 50-50. The only exceptions are funds received by one spouse or the other as an inheritance or as a gift.
You have to explain to your husband that the two of you are no longer just roomates or "friends with benefits." You're a married couple with (I would hope) common financial and life goals. That doesn't mean that he can't treat himself to a new set of golf clubs, or you can't enjoy some pampering at the day spa once in a while. But it does mean that your various purchases and indulgences should fit into a joint budget, and shouldn't be based solely on who earns what.
If your husband continues to be stubborn on this issue, I think you should explore marriage counseling; as I say, his attitude may reflect deeper issues that you should both address now, before they seriously threaten your marriage.
Good luck, Jen, and let me know what happens.
DEAR JIM: My husband and I are both 33 and we've been married a little over a year. Even though we're married, he insists on having separate bank accounts and separate credit cards---the way we did when we were living together. If he wants to buy something for himself, he pays for it out of his funds, and he wants me to do the same with my purchases. He pays the rent each month, but then I have to reimburse him for fifty percent of it from my chacking account. The same goes for groceries and other common expenses. I see this as unfair, because he makes nearly twice what I do. Do you agree? ("Jen" in San Antonio)
DEAR JEN: Yes, I do agree with you. Your husband's system may have made sense when you were living together, but it is not appropriate for a marriage, even if the two spouses are both earning the same amount. Separate checkbooks imply that there's no common financial bond betwen the spouses. If he wants to buy a new Corvette, he can just do it without consulting you, even if you're trying to save for a down payment on a house. The only question becomes whether "he" can afford it. To me, that's a sign of a lack of commitment to the marriage.
Beyond that, he needs to understand that half of the money he earns is yours (and half of the money you earn is his). Texas is what is called a community property state, which means that any money earned by either spouse during the marriage becomes the property of both spouses, 50-50. The only exceptions are funds received by one spouse or the other as an inheritance or as a gift.
You have to explain to your husband that the two of you are no longer just roomates or "friends with benefits." You're a married couple with (I would hope) common financial and life goals. That doesn't mean that he can't treat himself to a new set of golf clubs, or you can't enjoy some pampering at the day spa once in a while. But it does mean that your various purchases and indulgences should fit into a joint budget, and shouldn't be based solely on who earns what.
If your husband continues to be stubborn on this issue, I think you should explore marriage counseling; as I say, his attitude may reflect deeper issues that you should both address now, before they seriously threaten your marriage.
Good luck, Jen, and let me know what happens.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
He Won't Tell Her Why He Broke Up With Her
(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please send any questions you may have to jim@attorneyatlove.com).
DEAR JIM: I was dating a guy I met on a dating site for about three months, and I thought things were going great. But then all of a sudden he stopped calling and wouldn't return my calls or e-mails. He finally sent me a one-line e-mail that basically said he needed to take a break and think things over. That was it: no explanation whatsoever. We never had an argument, and I can't imagine what caused this. I saw yesterday that he's back on the site, and he says he's looking for something "long term." Well, he could have had something long term with me! At this point, I'm not trying to get him back, I just want to understand what went wrong. Maybe it will help me the next time. Am I stupid to keep contacting him? ("Marci" in Scottsdale, AZ)
DEAR MARCI: It's understandable that you want an explanation, but you're not going to get one from this guy no matter how hard you try. At best, he'd give you one of those "It's not you, it's me" lines just to get you off his back.
Sad to say, his behavior is pretty typical. Most guys hate having uncomfortable conversations with women, hate having to explain their actions and motivations, hate the feeling of being attacked. Most guys, after a breakup, just want it all to go away quickly and quietly. To put it bluntly, most guys are cowards in dealing with women.
So, Marci, you have to stop contacting him, and accept the reality that you're never going to get a full and satisfactory account of what caused him to bail out of the relationship. It might comfort you to know, though, that it almost certainly was him and not you. My educated guess is that, despite what he says about wanting a long-term relationship, he's uncomfortable with commitment. He likes the early stages of a relationship, but gets nervous when a woman seems to want more than casual dating. The closer a woman gets to him, the more he pulls back. Sooner or later, it was inevitable that your relationship with him would have ended.
But even though most men are cowards with respect to explaining why they broke off a relationship, not every man is afraid of commitment. There are definitely good men out there, but you'll never meet them until you stop obsessing about the last guy. Good luck, Marci, and let me know what happens.
DEAR JIM: I was dating a guy I met on a dating site for about three months, and I thought things were going great. But then all of a sudden he stopped calling and wouldn't return my calls or e-mails. He finally sent me a one-line e-mail that basically said he needed to take a break and think things over. That was it: no explanation whatsoever. We never had an argument, and I can't imagine what caused this. I saw yesterday that he's back on the site, and he says he's looking for something "long term." Well, he could have had something long term with me! At this point, I'm not trying to get him back, I just want to understand what went wrong. Maybe it will help me the next time. Am I stupid to keep contacting him? ("Marci" in Scottsdale, AZ)
DEAR MARCI: It's understandable that you want an explanation, but you're not going to get one from this guy no matter how hard you try. At best, he'd give you one of those "It's not you, it's me" lines just to get you off his back.
Sad to say, his behavior is pretty typical. Most guys hate having uncomfortable conversations with women, hate having to explain their actions and motivations, hate the feeling of being attacked. Most guys, after a breakup, just want it all to go away quickly and quietly. To put it bluntly, most guys are cowards in dealing with women.
So, Marci, you have to stop contacting him, and accept the reality that you're never going to get a full and satisfactory account of what caused him to bail out of the relationship. It might comfort you to know, though, that it almost certainly was him and not you. My educated guess is that, despite what he says about wanting a long-term relationship, he's uncomfortable with commitment. He likes the early stages of a relationship, but gets nervous when a woman seems to want more than casual dating. The closer a woman gets to him, the more he pulls back. Sooner or later, it was inevitable that your relationship with him would have ended.
But even though most men are cowards with respect to explaining why they broke off a relationship, not every man is afraid of commitment. There are definitely good men out there, but you'll never meet them until you stop obsessing about the last guy. Good luck, Marci, and let me know what happens.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Pulling the Plug Prematurely?
(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please send any questions you may have to jim@attorneyatlove.com).
DEAR JIM: I disagree with the advice you gave the woman in Las Vegas whose husband was lying to her about all the money he was losing at the casinos [see December 23, 2009 blog Q&A]. In my opinion, lying is just as bad as having affairs. They're both a violation of trust. I wouldn't give him a second chance. By the time she does everything you tell her to do, he'll probably blow what little money they have left, and she'll wish she had divorced him while there was still some money left to divide. ("Deb" in North Carolina)
DEAR DEB: I appreciate your thoughts, and I agree with you that both lying and sexual infidelity involve serious breaches of trust. I also agree that there's no guarantee that the suggestions I offered will solve the problem quickly enough to avoid even more money being wasted.
But I think it's important to recognize that the husband's gambling and lying were recent developments. Until he was laid off, the husband was an excellent provider for his wife and kids, and there's no indication from his wife that there are other issues threatening the marriage. I think he's earned a chance to overcome his gambling addiction and any related psychological problems. But I definitely think he should be kept on a short leash; any future relapses and cover-ups should not be tolerated.
Divorce is not a step to be taken impulsively or in the heat of anger, especially when kids are involved. And divorces are expensive, no matter how much---or how little---money you may have. I think it's worth the risk of further financial losses to see how the situation evolves over the next two to three months. If the husband refuses to co-operate in overcoming his addiction, his wife will know it very quickly, and at that point I would encourage her to at least seek the advice of a divorce lawyer.
DEAR JIM: I disagree with the advice you gave the woman in Las Vegas whose husband was lying to her about all the money he was losing at the casinos [see December 23, 2009 blog Q&A]. In my opinion, lying is just as bad as having affairs. They're both a violation of trust. I wouldn't give him a second chance. By the time she does everything you tell her to do, he'll probably blow what little money they have left, and she'll wish she had divorced him while there was still some money left to divide. ("Deb" in North Carolina)
DEAR DEB: I appreciate your thoughts, and I agree with you that both lying and sexual infidelity involve serious breaches of trust. I also agree that there's no guarantee that the suggestions I offered will solve the problem quickly enough to avoid even more money being wasted.
But I think it's important to recognize that the husband's gambling and lying were recent developments. Until he was laid off, the husband was an excellent provider for his wife and kids, and there's no indication from his wife that there are other issues threatening the marriage. I think he's earned a chance to overcome his gambling addiction and any related psychological problems. But I definitely think he should be kept on a short leash; any future relapses and cover-ups should not be tolerated.
Divorce is not a step to be taken impulsively or in the heat of anger, especially when kids are involved. And divorces are expensive, no matter how much---or how little---money you may have. I think it's worth the risk of further financial losses to see how the situation evolves over the next two to three months. If the husband refuses to co-operate in overcoming his addiction, his wife will know it very quickly, and at that point I would encourage her to at least seek the advice of a divorce lawyer.
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