Friday, March 5, 2010

Why Don't "Sexy" Women Want Sex?

(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please send any questions you may have to jim@attorneyatlove.com).

DEAR JIM: I'm 48 and have been divorced a little less than a year. I've been using online dating sites for the past six months, and I'm getting frustrated with women who say in their profile that they're "sexy" or "sensual", but when you meet them are not really interested in having sex. Do all women like to use sex as a kind of bait-and-switch tactic? ("Alan" in Washington, DC)

DEAR ALAN: I suppose there will always be a certain percentage of women who use sex as a come-on and a tease, but my guess is that you're dealing with something different. The vast majority of women in their thirties, forties, and beyond do enjoy sex but they only want to have it with a man they feel a genuine connection with. It's a rare woman who will have sex on a first date, even if the man is interesting and attractive. Most women need to know a man better, need to trust him and be comfortable with him, before they'll go to bed with him. Even a woman with a high sex drive is going to wait until the time seems right.

It could be that you're trying too hard. If, when you go out with a woman for the first time, you're constantly hinting that you'd love to sleep with her, she's going to pull back. She probably knows, instinctively, that a relationship based primarily on sex is not likely to be a long-lasting one. And if you make uninvited sexual suggestions in your initial online messages, there probably won't even be a first date.

My advice is to be more relaxed and less goal-driven. Don't go on a first date with the mentality that either the two of you are going to have sex that night or the date was a failure. Let things evolve naturally. If you're genuinely attracted to her and want to see her again, you can let her know that in a subtle way. Don't drool over her or keep glacing down at her breasts. Compliment her, but don't go overboard with the compliments. Let her know you're interested in seeing her again, but don't appear desperate or pushy. In fact, when it comes to sex, the harder you push, the less likely it is you'll get it.

Good luck, Alan, and please let me know what happens.