Pulling the Plug Prematurely?

(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please send any questions you may have to jim@attorneyatlove.com).

DEAR JIM: I disagree with the advice you gave the woman in Las Vegas whose husband was lying to her about all the money he was losing at the casinos [see December 23, 2009 blog Q&A]. In my opinion, lying is just as bad as having affairs. They're both a violation of trust. I wouldn't give him a second chance. By the time she does everything you tell her to do, he'll probably blow what little money they have left, and she'll wish she had divorced him while there was still some money left to divide. ("Deb" in North Carolina)

DEAR DEB: I appreciate your thoughts, and I agree with you that both lying and sexual infidelity involve serious breaches of trust. I also agree that there's no guarantee that the suggestions I offered will solve the problem quickly enough to avoid even more money being wasted.

But I think it's important to recognize that the husband's gambling and lying were recent developments. Until he was laid off, the husband was an excellent provider for his wife and kids, and there's no indication from his wife that there are other issues threatening the marriage. I think he's earned a chance to overcome his gambling addiction and any related psychological problems. But I definitely think he should be kept on a short leash; any future relapses and cover-ups should not be tolerated.

Divorce is not a step to be taken impulsively or in the heat of anger, especially when kids are involved. And divorces are expensive, no matter how much---or how little---money you may have. I think it's worth the risk of further financial losses to see how the situation evolves over the next two to three months. If the husband refuses to co-operate in overcoming his addiction, his wife will know it very quickly, and at that point I would encourage her to at least seek the advice of a divorce lawyer.