Can Dating Sites Really Predict Compatibility?

(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please submit any questions you may have to jim@attorneyatlove.com).

DEAR JIM: I read your article in this month's Connections [www.connectionsforwomen.com] about all the different dating sites out there, and how the sites that do "compatibility" matching, like eHarmony.com, have disproportionately high rates of women members. It got me wondering: do you think that it's really possible to test for, and accurately predict, compatibility? (Naomi in Boston)

DEAR NAOMI: I'm sure the people at eHarmony would insist that it is possible to devise tests that accurately predict compatibility, but I have my doubts.

For one thing, no one on eHarmony or any other site verifies the truth of a person's answers to their compatibility questionnaires. Some people are clueless about themselves, their motivations, and their goals in life. They may honestly answer a question one way, but the answer they give may bear no relation to reality. Other people will deliberately lie or distort the truth. If they decide that the "right" way to answer the questions is to come across as warm, open, affectionate, and people-centered, they'll answer that way, regardless of what they really feel. The end justifies the means, in their mind.

Another problem is that the same word or concept can mean totally different things to different people. One person may think he has a great sense of humor because he laughs so hard at his own jokes that he amost falls off his chair. Another person appreciate wit, but only when it's subtle, and would cringe at the thought of being out in public with the joke-teller.

Even if everyone could agree on the definitions and answer the questions one hundred percent honestly, the only prediction anyone could confidently make about two people is that they match up well on paper. They both want kids. They both love animals. They both watch reality TV shows. They both believe in sharing household chores. OK, fine; that's a start. But that's all it is. Interests, attitudes, and goals may be important, but they don't automatically guarantee chemistry. And without chemistry, all the "on paper" compatibility in the world is meaningless. This is why I urge people who are doing online dating to actually meet the other person as soon as it's clear there's a strong interest. You can learn more about someone in five minutes face-to-face than you could in five weeks, or five months, of e-mail exchanges.

I'm not necessarily trying to discourage you, Naomi, from joining eHarmony or any other "compatibility" site, but I think you should take their claims with a grain of salt. On the other hand, as I pointed out in the Connections article, any man who will fill out a 200-question form and pay $60 or $70 a month to belong to a dating site, is probably serious about forming a real relationship with someone, even if he may be fudging the answers a bit.

Good luck, Naomi, and please let me know if you meet someone good!