"Apple users match up well, because they tend to have creative professions, a similar sense of style, and an appetite for technology."
From a New York Times article about some some new "niche" dating sites, including one solely for owners of Apple computers.
By definition, niche dating sites are not everything-for-everybody, one-stop-shopping kinds of sites. They're for people who want to narrow the universe of potential partners to people who are like themselves in some way they consider important. Thus, if religion is a big part of your life, you can find sites limited to people of your particular faith. If you're a book lover, there are sites where you can search for people with reading tastes that are similar to yours. If you're unlucky enough to have a sexually-transmitted disease, there are dozens of STD sites that allow you to avoid all those worries about what to say and when and how to say it.
There are literally tens of thousands of niche dating sites, some of them so specialized that you wonder how they can attract enough members to stay in business (e.g. stachepassions.com: a site for men with mustaches and the women who are turned on by them). Some niche sites are free, but most of them charge anywhere from $5.00 to $50.00 a month.
I can see the appeal of some of these sites. If you're Mormon, say, or Greek Orthodox, and you're 100% certain you only want to date within your faith, why join a site like match.com where only a tiny percentage of the members meet your requirements? If you don't feel you could date a meat-eater, why not join a vegetarian-only site? If opera is the biggest thing in your life, why waste your time with someone who not only hates it but ridicules it?
All of that makes sense. But it's important to realize that common interests and shared attitudes can only take you so far. For a relationship to succeed, there has to be chemistry between the two people. Having something in common may help break the ice by giving you something to talk about, but at some point a relationship requires more than just a mutual interest in, say, Apple computers or the novels of Jane Austen.
There's also a danger in attributing too much to a particular shared interest. We want to think that if a new person in our life is like us in some way, he or she will be like us in other ways, as well. But oftentimes that's not the case. We might both be dog-lovers, but that doesn't mean we have similar opinions about social or political issues. Or we might have similar opinions about social or political issues, but have incompatible communication styles.
The bottom line is that dating sites---whether niche or mainstream---can only, at most, identify candidates who might be suitable for us. No more, no less. That's why it's crucial that you meet someone you're interested in as soon as possible, and not get over-invested in him or her until then. When you're face-to-face, you can tell more about someone in five minutes than you can in five months' worth of e-mail exchanges. You can see what he actually looks like, how he dresses, how he talks, how (or if) he listens, whether he has any social skills, or, conversely, any annoying habits.
Chemistry may be hard to define, but one thing we know about it is that it can't be willed into existence. It's either there or it isn't, and all the common interests in the world can't create it or sustain it.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Friday, April 1, 2011
R.I.P. Elizabeth Taylor (1932-2011)
"I will never love anyone but you. Period."
(From a love letter written by the 17 year-old Elizabeth Taylor to her then-boyfriend, William Pawley).
Given all the men who subsequently played romantic roles in Elizabeth Taylor's life, it's easy to chuckle at the irony of her promise to William Pawley, whom she dumped less than six months later to marry hotel heir Conrad ("Nicky") Hilton (a man she would divorce nine months after that). But I'm sure she meant every word she said, just as I'm sure that all seventeen year-old girls mean it when they pledge undying love to their boyfriends.
But Taylor, unlike many girls, remained something of a seventeen year-old the rest of her life. A while back, I read "Hellraisers: The Lives and Inebriated Times of Richard Burton, Peter O'Toole, Richard Harris, and Oliver Reed," a book in which Taylor figures prominently---and not only for the marathon drinking sessions she and Burton engaged in. (She was the only woman who, as Burton put it, "could drink me under the table," and the only person of either sex who physically terrified him). Even though she divorced Burton twice, she could never speak of him afterward without crying, and she often said she would have married him a third time if he had lived longer.
Taylor was also, believe it or not, a traditionalist---or at least an idealist---on the subject of marriage. She may have had seven divorces, but, as she once said in an interview, "If I had just shacked up with guys instead of marrying them, no one would have kept count." If she loved a man, she had to marry him. And if a husband didn't keep up his end of the bargain she wanted out, rather than limp along in a marriage that she considered unworthy of the name.
It was sad when Taylor died, but anyone who knew anything about her knew that she had done enough living for ten lifetimes. And she had endured enough pain for ten lifetimes, as well. She's in a better place now, but I like to think that we're all in a better place now because of her.
(From a love letter written by the 17 year-old Elizabeth Taylor to her then-boyfriend, William Pawley).
Given all the men who subsequently played romantic roles in Elizabeth Taylor's life, it's easy to chuckle at the irony of her promise to William Pawley, whom she dumped less than six months later to marry hotel heir Conrad ("Nicky") Hilton (a man she would divorce nine months after that). But I'm sure she meant every word she said, just as I'm sure that all seventeen year-old girls mean it when they pledge undying love to their boyfriends.
But Taylor, unlike many girls, remained something of a seventeen year-old the rest of her life. A while back, I read "Hellraisers: The Lives and Inebriated Times of Richard Burton, Peter O'Toole, Richard Harris, and Oliver Reed," a book in which Taylor figures prominently---and not only for the marathon drinking sessions she and Burton engaged in. (She was the only woman who, as Burton put it, "could drink me under the table," and the only person of either sex who physically terrified him). Even though she divorced Burton twice, she could never speak of him afterward without crying, and she often said she would have married him a third time if he had lived longer.
Taylor was also, believe it or not, a traditionalist---or at least an idealist---on the subject of marriage. She may have had seven divorces, but, as she once said in an interview, "If I had just shacked up with guys instead of marrying them, no one would have kept count." If she loved a man, she had to marry him. And if a husband didn't keep up his end of the bargain she wanted out, rather than limp along in a marriage that she considered unworthy of the name.
It was sad when Taylor died, but anyone who knew anything about her knew that she had done enough living for ten lifetimes. And she had endured enough pain for ten lifetimes, as well. She's in a better place now, but I like to think that we're all in a better place now because of her.
Monday, March 28, 2011
A Note to My Readers
As some of you may know, I began writing this blog over three and a half years ago. For the first two years, I wrote a weekly essay on a relationship issue that was either prompted by something in the news (a politician's career ruined by an affair, a celebrity divorce, etc.), or by a quote from a famous writer (hence the "Quote & Comment" title of the blog).
In August of 2009, I changed the format of the blog to a "Dear Jim"-style advice column. I had been getting relationship questions from readers and answering them privately, but I felt that some of the questions were interesting enough, and important enough, to share with the rest of my readers. Since then, I've posted over eighty "Dear Jim" Q&A's, which have in turn prompted even more reader questions.
Just recently, I've been fortunate to find a larger readership for "Dear Jim." It will be appearing twice a month on www.Boomer-Living.com (the most widely-read website targeted to the Baby Boomer generation), and once a week in two Arizona newspapers: the Green Valley News and the Sahuarita Sun. Rather than posting the same Q&A columns that will appear on Boomer-Living or in the newspapers, I'll be switching back next week to my original blog format, offering what I hope is a unique and entertaining perspective on men-women relationships. You can, of course, still write to me (jim@attorneyatlove.com) with your relationship questions. As always, I thank you for your friendship and support.
In August of 2009, I changed the format of the blog to a "Dear Jim"-style advice column. I had been getting relationship questions from readers and answering them privately, but I felt that some of the questions were interesting enough, and important enough, to share with the rest of my readers. Since then, I've posted over eighty "Dear Jim" Q&A's, which have in turn prompted even more reader questions.
Just recently, I've been fortunate to find a larger readership for "Dear Jim." It will be appearing twice a month on www.Boomer-Living.com (the most widely-read website targeted to the Baby Boomer generation), and once a week in two Arizona newspapers: the Green Valley News and the Sahuarita Sun. Rather than posting the same Q&A columns that will appear on Boomer-Living or in the newspapers, I'll be switching back next week to my original blog format, offering what I hope is a unique and entertaining perspective on men-women relationships. You can, of course, still write to me (jim@attorneyatlove.com) with your relationship questions. As always, I thank you for your friendship and support.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Recovering-Alcoholic Husband is Unhappy with Social-Drinker Wife
(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please send any questions you may have to jim@attorneyatlove.com).
DEAR JIM: Long story short: my husband finally stopped drinking after fifteen horrible years for both of us, and is very active in AA (he goes three times a week). The problem is, I'm a moderate drinker and enjoy a glass of wine with dinner, but my husband says he can't be around anyone who's drinking, for fear that he'll relapse. So basically he's forbidden me to have any wine in the house or to order any if we go out. I don't want to go back to the "bad days" of our marriage, but it seems unfair that I have to give up something that I like just because he has a problem with it. The irony is that I've become sort of a closet drinker; I've stopped off a couple of times at a bar on the way home from work just to enjoy a glass of wine without being hassled. What should I do? ("J")
DEAR "J": First of all, let me say that it's great that your husband cared enough to get the help he needed. Untreated alcoholism can be as fatal to a marriage as affairs and verbal abuse; maybe even more so.
Having said that, though, I think your husband is demanding an awful lot of you. As you say, he want you to change because he has a problem. It's not as if you're one of his old drinking buddies urging him to have a beer or two with them. You're a moderate and seemingly-responsible drinker who wants him to stay sober but also wants to continue enjoying something that gives you pleasure. In my opinion, there's nothing wrong with that.
I'm not an expert on alcoholism, but it seems to me that your husband is going overboard in trying to avoid situations where people are drinking in his presence. Does he feel he couldn't go to a baseball game if a guy in the row in front of him is drinking beer? Does he feel he couldn't go to a restaurant with a liquor license, for fear that he might see people enjoying a martini? Does he feel he couldn't go to a family wedding because there might be a champagne toast? If so, he's going to have to live in a very small, isolated world, and you're going to have to live there with him---and probably not too happily.
I think you should get involved with Al-Alon, the support group for spouses, children, and other family members of alcoholics. You're bound to meet people there who have dealt with issues similar to yours, and get some practical tips in how to encourage your husband to be less fearful and more reasonable. You and your husband may also want to have a consultation together with a professional alcoholism counselor; he or she may have the kind of credibility that your husband will respond to.
The good thing, "J", is that your husband seems determined never to relapse. My guess is that at some point---with professional help and with your input and support---he'll be more confident of his ability to stay sober without subjecting you to arbitrary and unfair rules. Good luck, and please let me know how it turns out.
DEAR JIM: Long story short: my husband finally stopped drinking after fifteen horrible years for both of us, and is very active in AA (he goes three times a week). The problem is, I'm a moderate drinker and enjoy a glass of wine with dinner, but my husband says he can't be around anyone who's drinking, for fear that he'll relapse. So basically he's forbidden me to have any wine in the house or to order any if we go out. I don't want to go back to the "bad days" of our marriage, but it seems unfair that I have to give up something that I like just because he has a problem with it. The irony is that I've become sort of a closet drinker; I've stopped off a couple of times at a bar on the way home from work just to enjoy a glass of wine without being hassled. What should I do? ("J")
DEAR "J": First of all, let me say that it's great that your husband cared enough to get the help he needed. Untreated alcoholism can be as fatal to a marriage as affairs and verbal abuse; maybe even more so.
Having said that, though, I think your husband is demanding an awful lot of you. As you say, he want you to change because he has a problem. It's not as if you're one of his old drinking buddies urging him to have a beer or two with them. You're a moderate and seemingly-responsible drinker who wants him to stay sober but also wants to continue enjoying something that gives you pleasure. In my opinion, there's nothing wrong with that.
I'm not an expert on alcoholism, but it seems to me that your husband is going overboard in trying to avoid situations where people are drinking in his presence. Does he feel he couldn't go to a baseball game if a guy in the row in front of him is drinking beer? Does he feel he couldn't go to a restaurant with a liquor license, for fear that he might see people enjoying a martini? Does he feel he couldn't go to a family wedding because there might be a champagne toast? If so, he's going to have to live in a very small, isolated world, and you're going to have to live there with him---and probably not too happily.
I think you should get involved with Al-Alon, the support group for spouses, children, and other family members of alcoholics. You're bound to meet people there who have dealt with issues similar to yours, and get some practical tips in how to encourage your husband to be less fearful and more reasonable. You and your husband may also want to have a consultation together with a professional alcoholism counselor; he or she may have the kind of credibility that your husband will respond to.
The good thing, "J", is that your husband seems determined never to relapse. My guess is that at some point---with professional help and with your input and support---he'll be more confident of his ability to stay sober without subjecting you to arbitrary and unfair rules. Good luck, and please let me know how it turns out.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Her Boyfriend and his Ex are Still Business Partners
(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please send any questions you may have to jim@attorneyatlove.com).
DEAR JIM: I've been dating a 42 year old guy who's been divorced for three years. He and his ex-wife are both accountants. They formed a business partnership when they were married, but kept it going even after their divorce. She's engaged to be married this summer, and I believe him when he says they have no romantic feelings for each other anymore. But I get tired of hearing him mention her name all the time, and I feel uncomfortable with the idea that he's spending nine or ten hours a day with someone he used to be in love with. Am I being over-sensitive, or is he being insensitive? ("Ellen" from New Jersey)
DEAR ELLEN: Although it's understandable that you feel the way you do, I think you're being over-sensitive. Your boyfriend's relationship with his ex-wife is unusual, but it's not unheard of. There are more people than you might imagine who run businesses with their ex-spouses. Obviously, it takes a lot of maturity and mutual respect for people to put aside their differences for the sake of the business, but some people have those qualities. I think you're far better off having a boyfriend who respects his ex than one who is constantly disparaging her.
Having had business partners myself in the past, I know how rare it is to find one who is hard-working, honest, reliable, and personally compatible. When you have a partner like that, you want to do everything you can to keep him (or her). My guess is that your boyfriend and his ex each bring valuable and complementary talents to the businesss. Whatever differences they may have had as husband and wife don't seem to affect their working relationship.
I'm not saying it's easy for you to keep hearing the ex's name mentioned, but it's normal for someone to talk about the people he works with, especially if he works in a very small office. Unless your boyfriend is commenting on how beautiful his ex-wife is, or something else that would give you legitimate cause for concern, you shouldn't let it bother you. Try to pretend that the partner is someone named "Joe", and you'll probably feel less threatened about the situation.
Good luck, Ellen, and please let me know if this helps.
DEAR JIM: I've been dating a 42 year old guy who's been divorced for three years. He and his ex-wife are both accountants. They formed a business partnership when they were married, but kept it going even after their divorce. She's engaged to be married this summer, and I believe him when he says they have no romantic feelings for each other anymore. But I get tired of hearing him mention her name all the time, and I feel uncomfortable with the idea that he's spending nine or ten hours a day with someone he used to be in love with. Am I being over-sensitive, or is he being insensitive? ("Ellen" from New Jersey)
DEAR ELLEN: Although it's understandable that you feel the way you do, I think you're being over-sensitive. Your boyfriend's relationship with his ex-wife is unusual, but it's not unheard of. There are more people than you might imagine who run businesses with their ex-spouses. Obviously, it takes a lot of maturity and mutual respect for people to put aside their differences for the sake of the business, but some people have those qualities. I think you're far better off having a boyfriend who respects his ex than one who is constantly disparaging her.
Having had business partners myself in the past, I know how rare it is to find one who is hard-working, honest, reliable, and personally compatible. When you have a partner like that, you want to do everything you can to keep him (or her). My guess is that your boyfriend and his ex each bring valuable and complementary talents to the businesss. Whatever differences they may have had as husband and wife don't seem to affect their working relationship.
I'm not saying it's easy for you to keep hearing the ex's name mentioned, but it's normal for someone to talk about the people he works with, especially if he works in a very small office. Unless your boyfriend is commenting on how beautiful his ex-wife is, or something else that would give you legitimate cause for concern, you shouldn't let it bother you. Try to pretend that the partner is someone named "Joe", and you'll probably feel less threatened about the situation.
Good luck, Ellen, and please let me know if this helps.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
No Privacy in Her Own Home?
(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please send any questions you may have to jim@attorneyatlove.com).
DEAR JIM: Two years ago, I married a widower with a 22 year old son ("Adam") who was living at home with his father but graduating from college and about to move to another state for a job. Everything was fine until Adam was laid off three months ago and moved back to the area. He moved into an inexpensive apartment with an old friend of his, but he shows up here almost every day, without notice, to do his laundry, or watch TV, or see what's in the refrigerator. Half the time, his father isn't even home when he comes---he's just looking for a place to hang out. He still has a key to the house, and a couple of times I was in the shower and never even heard him come in (thank God I was dressed, but it still startled me to see him in the kitchen when I thought I was home alone. And, as a retired teacher, I'm home much of the day).
I've talked to my husband about it, but he doesn't think it's any big deal. In fact, I think he likes having Adam back, because he's the baby in the family and the two older ones are married and living a long way off. Is there anything I can do? ("No Privacy")
DEAR "NO PRIVACY": What you have here are two guys---a young one and an older one---who, in different ways, are clueless about how their behavior or attitude is affecting you. You shouldn't have to put up with this.
I know you've talked to your husband already, but maybe you didn't make it 100% clear to him just how much this is bothering you. You can start in a positive way. Tell him that it's understandable that Adam would still think of your home as his home. And say that it's great that he and Adam have a good relationship, and that you, yourself, would like to have a good relationship with Adam, but that it's difficult when he's constantly dropping by without calling.
Stress to your husband that you're not asking him to discipline Adam, but merely to educate him on some basic facts. And one of those facts is that the "house rules" changed (or should have changed) when your husband married you. When you speak with your husband, you should be prepared to suggest specific ways to safeguard your privacy without making Adam feel like an outcast, such as requiring Adam to call first and not to come over unless he's actually spoken to you (a voice or text message isn't enough) and made sure that the timing is good.
I'm optimistic that, once your husband understands your concerns, your problem should be at least minimized, and maybe solved. Good luck, and let me know what happens.
DEAR JIM: Two years ago, I married a widower with a 22 year old son ("Adam") who was living at home with his father but graduating from college and about to move to another state for a job. Everything was fine until Adam was laid off three months ago and moved back to the area. He moved into an inexpensive apartment with an old friend of his, but he shows up here almost every day, without notice, to do his laundry, or watch TV, or see what's in the refrigerator. Half the time, his father isn't even home when he comes---he's just looking for a place to hang out. He still has a key to the house, and a couple of times I was in the shower and never even heard him come in (thank God I was dressed, but it still startled me to see him in the kitchen when I thought I was home alone. And, as a retired teacher, I'm home much of the day).
I've talked to my husband about it, but he doesn't think it's any big deal. In fact, I think he likes having Adam back, because he's the baby in the family and the two older ones are married and living a long way off. Is there anything I can do? ("No Privacy")
DEAR "NO PRIVACY": What you have here are two guys---a young one and an older one---who, in different ways, are clueless about how their behavior or attitude is affecting you. You shouldn't have to put up with this.
I know you've talked to your husband already, but maybe you didn't make it 100% clear to him just how much this is bothering you. You can start in a positive way. Tell him that it's understandable that Adam would still think of your home as his home. And say that it's great that he and Adam have a good relationship, and that you, yourself, would like to have a good relationship with Adam, but that it's difficult when he's constantly dropping by without calling.
Stress to your husband that you're not asking him to discipline Adam, but merely to educate him on some basic facts. And one of those facts is that the "house rules" changed (or should have changed) when your husband married you. When you speak with your husband, you should be prepared to suggest specific ways to safeguard your privacy without making Adam feel like an outcast, such as requiring Adam to call first and not to come over unless he's actually spoken to you (a voice or text message isn't enough) and made sure that the timing is good.
I'm optimistic that, once your husband understands your concerns, your problem should be at least minimized, and maybe solved. Good luck, and let me know what happens.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Her Boyfriend Refuses to Get a Divorce
(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please send any questions you may have to jim@attorneyatlove.com).
DEAR JIM: I'm a 66 year-old widow and I've been involved with a man my age for the past three years. About six months ago I moved in with him, despite my concern that he's still legally married. He's been separated from his wife for over ten years. He tells me he hasn't seen her in all that time, and that the only way he even knows she's still alive is that his daughter sometimes gives him an update on what she's doing. He knows I'd like to get married, but he keeps telling me that he doesn't want to upset the applecart, so to speak. He says that if either he or his wife filed for divorce he'd have to pay her alimony, because his income was always a lot bigger than hers. Is that true? Their daughter was already on her own when they separated, and his wife has never asked him for support. I love the man, but I don't want to be taken advantage of. ("Geri")
DEAR GERI: Let me first point out that every state has different statutes concerning alimony and other financial aspects of divorce, so the only way you could find out with certainty if your boyfriend is correct is to consult an experienced divorce lawyer in whatever state would have "jurisdiction" if either your boyfriend or his wife filed for divorce.
Having said that, however, I strongly doubt that a divorce court anywhere would be likely to award his wife alimony. Nowadays, alimony is not automatically awarded in a divorce. Generally, it's limited to situations in which one spouse (usually the wife) has such limited job skills that she couldn't be expected to support herself without it. Your boyfriend's wife has somehow been able to get by for ten years without his financial help. It would be extremely difficult for her to claim at this point that she's entitled to alimony. I suppose that anything can happen in court, but I think your boyfriend is worrying about nothing.
Of course, your boyfriend may not really be worried about alimony, but rather using it as an excuse to avoid getting married again. Based on what you tell me, I can't say for sure if your boyfriend is being straightforward with you on this issue, but one way to find out is to urge him to consult with a divorce lawyer---ideally, with you present at the meeting---to get all the relevant information. If he refuses to meet with a lawyer, or refuses to let you accompany him, he's telling you, in effect, that the alimony excuse is a bogus one. Even apart from the fact that you'd like to get married, it wouldn't be a good sign if the man you're living with isn't telling you the truth about so basic an issue, or isn't bringing you into his major life decisions.
Good luck, Geri, and please let me know what happens.
DEAR JIM: I'm a 66 year-old widow and I've been involved with a man my age for the past three years. About six months ago I moved in with him, despite my concern that he's still legally married. He's been separated from his wife for over ten years. He tells me he hasn't seen her in all that time, and that the only way he even knows she's still alive is that his daughter sometimes gives him an update on what she's doing. He knows I'd like to get married, but he keeps telling me that he doesn't want to upset the applecart, so to speak. He says that if either he or his wife filed for divorce he'd have to pay her alimony, because his income was always a lot bigger than hers. Is that true? Their daughter was already on her own when they separated, and his wife has never asked him for support. I love the man, but I don't want to be taken advantage of. ("Geri")
DEAR GERI: Let me first point out that every state has different statutes concerning alimony and other financial aspects of divorce, so the only way you could find out with certainty if your boyfriend is correct is to consult an experienced divorce lawyer in whatever state would have "jurisdiction" if either your boyfriend or his wife filed for divorce.
Having said that, however, I strongly doubt that a divorce court anywhere would be likely to award his wife alimony. Nowadays, alimony is not automatically awarded in a divorce. Generally, it's limited to situations in which one spouse (usually the wife) has such limited job skills that she couldn't be expected to support herself without it. Your boyfriend's wife has somehow been able to get by for ten years without his financial help. It would be extremely difficult for her to claim at this point that she's entitled to alimony. I suppose that anything can happen in court, but I think your boyfriend is worrying about nothing.
Of course, your boyfriend may not really be worried about alimony, but rather using it as an excuse to avoid getting married again. Based on what you tell me, I can't say for sure if your boyfriend is being straightforward with you on this issue, but one way to find out is to urge him to consult with a divorce lawyer---ideally, with you present at the meeting---to get all the relevant information. If he refuses to meet with a lawyer, or refuses to let you accompany him, he's telling you, in effect, that the alimony excuse is a bogus one. Even apart from the fact that you'd like to get married, it wouldn't be a good sign if the man you're living with isn't telling you the truth about so basic an issue, or isn't bringing you into his major life decisions.
Good luck, Geri, and please let me know what happens.
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