Is it Wrong to Say "I Love You?"

(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please send any questions you may have to jim@attorneyatlove.com).

DEAR JIM: I'm 34 and have always been single, although I've twice lived with men and have had several other serious relationships. I'm currently seeing a great guy, but I'm having the same frustration with him that I did with almost everyone else. He never says "I love you" unless I say it first. And even then I can tell that he's just kind of embarrassed and wants to say something. Are all men like this? Am I doing something wrong by expressing my feelings? ("Nicole" in California)

DEAR NICOLE: I don't think all men are like that, but, in general, men tend to feel awkward about expressing their emotions verbally. And as you've noticed, the awkwardness can increase when men are put on the spot. Saying "I love you" to a man does tend to put him on the spot.

Having said that, I certainly wouldn't discourage a woman from expressing her love for a man. If you're truly in love, and have reason to believe the feeling is mutual, why not say it? But I'm wondering if perhaps you're expressing it too early in your relationships. Some people fall head-over-heels in love almost from Day One, and saying the magic words "I love you" just intensifies the pleasure and the rush of emotions they're experiencing. The problem is that the man may not be falling in love quite so quickly (or, sadly, maybe not at all). At the very least, he may need more time to process his emotions.

Maybe you could make it easier on your boyfriend by using the word "love" in a way that is less threatening to him. Instead of saying "I love you", say "I love the way you make me feel", or "I love the way you kiss me", or "I love being with you." That way, he gets to hear the word "love" in a romantic but non-intimidating context. Before long, he might start telling you, without prompting, that he "loves" the way you smell, or the way you laugh, or the way he thinks about you throughout the day. It may or may not lead to his saying "I love you," but it can certainly pave the way.

Incidentally, it's worth noting that a lot of women have had their hearts broken by men who are too quick to say "I love you." Some guys---the pick-up-artist types---will say anything, no matter how insincere, to get a woman into bed. Others will perhaps mean what they say when they say it, but will lose interest in the woman soon afterward. Whatever pleasure you get from men like that is going to be very short-lived.

Anyway, good luck, Nicole, and please let me know what happens.