Is the Coupon Queen Going Overboard?

(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please send any questions you may have to jim@attorneyatlove.com).

DEAR JIM: My wife and I are in our thirties and have two pre-school kids. My wife is a stay-at-home mom, which is what we both wanted. (My income, fortunately, is enough to support all of us). I feel a little guilty writing to you about my wife, because she's a wonderful wife and mother, but over the past year or so she's really gone overboard, I think, with using coupons to buy things for next to nothing. I appreciate the fact that she's saving us money, but our home is starting to look like a warehouse. What used to be our guest room is now packed almost to the ceiling with napkins, paper towels, and toilet paper. I'm afraid to open a closet door for fear that some cereal boxes will come crashing down. As I say, I hate to complain because my wife's intentions are good and in the long run she's saving us money, but I'm starting to worry about her. Is there a way I can get her to stop, or least slow down, without sounding like I'm criticizing her? ("Scott" in Tennessee)

DEAR SCOTT: In the interest of full disclosure, let me confess that I tend to go a little overboard myself when it comes to sales and coupons. We probably have a two year supply of tooth paste, dental floss, liquid hand soap, and other health and beauty aid products. Fortunately, our house has a lot of storage space, and I'm careful not to buy too many perishables, or products with a short shelf life.

So, I'm sympathetic to your wife. She's undoubtedly motivated, at least in part, by a desire to contribute more to your family's financial well-being. Even though, as you say, you're happy with the job she's doing as a stay-at-home mom, she may feel she needs to do more. She probably had a job outside the home before the kids came along, and she may feel guilty that she's not generating any income these days. To compensate, she's saving money. If she can save fifty or a hundred dollars a week, or even more, by buying things on sale and using coupons, it's like having a part-time job. As long as she's not charging everything to a high-interest credit card that you're only making the minimum payments on, or buying so much frozen food that you have to buy a second freezer just to store it, she is undeniably helping out the family financially.

But there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Many years ago the psychologist, William Glasser, coined the term "positive addictions" to refer to activities that were fundamentally positive ones, but which, if overdone, could become negatives (such as a person who takes up running to lose weight, and then runs far too many miles each day and winds up needing knee surgery).

My guess is that coupon-clipping has become a positive addiction for your wife. I'm not necessarily saying she needs psychological help, but addictions---even positive ones---should at least be closely monitored and kept from becoming harmful. You want to be sure that your wife's sense of self-worth isn't tied too closely to her ability to keep getting incredible savings each week, because then she'll never be able stop or even slow down.

Because your living space has already been affected by your wife's shopping, it shouldn't be too hard to suggest to her that she take a breather for a while. You want to be careful not to criticize her; in fact, you'll want to stress how grateful you are that she's saved all of you so much money. You might want to suggest that you "spend down" your supplies until you're down to, say, six months' worth of non-perishable food and twelve months' worth of paper goods and other non-food items. That way, you'll gradually get your house back to normal---or something close to normal---and still let her have fun saving money when it's time to re-stock.

Good luck, Scott, and let me know what happens.