Poisoning the Waters

"I don't know who started what in their 'bitter' divorce, but...'bitter' takes two. Both parents squandered their right to act surprised at their reduced roles in future milestone occasions".
(Carolyn Hax, syndicated advice columnist)


The question that Carolyn Hax was responding to dealt with a young woman who chose to have her brother, rather than her father, walk down the aisle with her at her upcoming wedding. Apparently, the woman was still angry at both of her parents for the ugliness that surrounded their divorce a few years ago, and she decided---rightly or wrongly---to limit their participation at the wedding.

There's nothing like a wedding to stir up old quarrels, rivalries, and resentments. Like Carolyn Hax, I have no idea who did what to whom, although usually there is plenty of blame to go around in a case like this. The sad thing is that the current problem could have been avoided, even if the divorce itself was unavoidable.

As I've said more than once in these articles, I'm a big believer in divorce mediation. Not only does mediation allow the husband and wife to tailor the divorce laws to meet their unique needs and circumstances, it's good training for all the big and little post-divorce negotiations that inevitably arise, especially when there are children involved. No sensible person wants to keep running back to court every time the other parent is twenty minutes late in picking up the kids on Friday, and very few judges have the time or the patience to hear such disputes. Mediation gets the parties into the habit of working things out in a civil manner.

Even when the kids are grown and out of the home, there will be important life events to deal with---co-operatively or otherwise. A wedding is one of them, but there are also births, funerals, and everything in between. If you allow your divorce to be an exercise in spite and revenge, you're sealing your fate. Not only will you never feel comfortable being in the same room with your ex-spouse, but your adult kids may not let you be in the same room as him or her, even if that room is a church.

Having been involved as a lawyer or mediator in hundreds of divorce cases over the years, I can tell you that litigation rarely leads to a better result than the parties could have negotiated on their own, with the help of a skilled mediator. And litigation never satisfies the thirst for revenge that motivates so many divorcing couples, which is why litigation cannot give closure on a psychological level. The bad feelings just live on, poisoning the waters for years to come, and sucking your children and even your grandchildren into the seemingly-endless psychodrama of your divorce.

If you're seriously considering divorce, or even if you've already filed papers in court, talk to a mediator before you get waist-deep in litigation. You'll save money, move on with your life more quickly, avoid a lot of needless angst, and preserve at least a civil relationship with your spouse and his or her family. And, perhaps most important of all, your kids will thank you.