Let Mom Do It Herself

"We are looking for a nice gentleman for our mother. She is 55, slim, good-looking, and full of life and energy.........."
(From a "Women Seeking Men" posting on craigslist.org)


Because I write and lecture about post-divorce dating, I read a lot of personal ads. Many of them are bad, which in a way is good for me because the bad ones give me material to write about. In my book, I discuss various kinds of bad ads, such as ads that deliberately mislead, ads that say too little, ads that say too much, ads that are poorly written, and ads that are little more than wish-lists to Santa.

I also talk about ads that send unintended negative messages, an example of which is an ad that's written by a friend or relative, not by the person herself. (I say "herself" because in almost every example I've seen, the person in question is a woman, as are the friends and relatives).

I hate to criticize people who mean well and want the best for their mother, their best friend, or whoever, but people should write their own ads. If I were a single guy reading an ad placed by someone's daughters, my first thought would be why the mother didn't place it herself. Is she less than enthusiastic about the whole online dating idea? Does she even know what the daughters are doing on her behalf?

I might also wonder if she's capable of writing an ad. Is she like a modern-day version of the tongue-tied soldier in "Cyrano de Bergerac" who relies on the great Cyrano to put his thoughts into words? Or maybe she's computer-illiterate, which is no crime but is a distinct disadvantage if one is going to be carrying on e-mail correspondences or navigating a dating site.

And I'd also wonder who is actually going to receive my response: the daughters or the mother? Will the daughters be screening and evaluating the responses, before deciding which ones to forward to Mom? And then what? Will the daughters be looking over Mom's shoulder to make sure she follows up in a timely fashion? Unless Mom sounds like a one-in-a-million lady, the whole thing is way too much trouble.

Of all the prerequisites to writing a good personal ad, motivation is the most basic. If a person isn't sufficiently motivated to do it herself, you're not helping her by doing the work. In fact, by unwittingly turning off or scaring off most potential responders, you're ensuring that the project will fail. Your mother or friend may mistakenly think that it was her age or the qualities listed in the ad that were the turn-offs, when in reality the only turn-off was that the ad was written by someone else. She may become so discouraged that she never tests the online system again, which is hardly what anyone intended.

One corollary to the "do it yourself" rule is what I call the "describe yourself in your own words" rule. There must be a million personal ads out there that say, "My friends say I'm pretty" (or funny, or sexy, or whatever). People who write things like that are trying not to sound boastful or obnoxious, but unfortunately the message that's conveyed is that she doesn't truly believe what she's saying. She's saying, in effect, "I wouldn't necessarily call myself pretty, but I've heard my friends describe me as pretty, so maybe I am". This is not a positive message. Yes, it's possible to go overboard in one's self-description, but generally speaking a personal ad is not the place for undue modesty (as long as you're not deliberately distorting the truth).

As a young and brash Muhammad Ali once said to someone who accused him of excessive boasting: "It ain't braggin' if it's true". He was right. So, if it's true, say it as if you really believe it, and in your own words.