(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please send any questions you may have to jim@attorneyatlove.com).
DEAR JIM: My husband has always been a pretty aggressive driver, but over the past couple of years he's gotten worse. He can't drive across town without at least once leaning on the horn, giving someone the finger, following too closely, etc. I cringe when I'm with him, and I'm afraid that one of these days there will be a road rage incident like you read about in the newspaper. He knows I'm terrified of getting into an accident or some other incident, but if I say something he just gets angrier, accusing me of siding with the other driver over him. I try not to drive with him unless it's necessary, but we do go a lot of places together (restaurants, weekend trips, etc.), and he won't even consider letting me drive "his" truck. What can I do? ("Lynda" in Tennessee)
DEAR LYNDA: I'm hoping you have another vehicle you can drive, because I don't think you should even get in your husband's truck until he's gotten some psychological help. He's got major anger-management issues, and it's just a matter of time before---as you said---you'll be reading about him in the newspaper.
It may feel strange at first, but you're going to have to start going places in two separate vehicles. When he demands to know why, you'll want to stay calm and stay in control. Explain that it's been obvious for a long time that you're uncomfortable being in the truck with him, and that it's best for both of you that you go in separate vehicles for the time being.
If he asks what "the time being" means, tell him that it's entirely up to him; once he gets help and changes his driving habits for the better, you'll be happy to start going places together again. To give him some practical information, you might want to do a google search of defensive-driving programs in your area, most of which at least touch on road rage prevention. You might also want to find out if there are psychologists nearby who deal with anger-management issues regularly. Because judges will often require anger-management sessions for people convicted of aggressive driving offenses, your local traffic court may be an excellent source of information.
With guys like your husband, I would be careful not to provoke him even more by implying that he is totally at fault. Tell him that you know that there are a lot of idiots out there on the road, but that there's nothing he can do about them except keep his distance from them. Tell him you don't want to see him do something crazy, even if in theory he's in the right, nor do you want to see him wind up in jail, or in the hospital, or in the morgue.
But don't be so supportive that you back down; your safety and your sanity are at stake. And don't think about the monetary costs. Whatever extra money you'll have to spend on gas by taking two vehicles, or whatever the anger-management treatment will cost, is a pittance compared to the cost of car repairs, hospital bills, lawyer fees, insurance surcharges, and God-knows-what else.
Good luck, Lynda, and let me know how it turns out.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Saturday, September 12, 2009
High School Reunion Controversy
(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please send any questions you may have to jim@attorneyatlove.com)
DEAR JIM: My 30th high school reunion is coming up in a couple of months, and my wife has made it clear that she wants to go with me. I'm not wild about the idea. My wife doesn't know any of my old classmates (she and I grew up in different states, and none of my old friends were at our wedding three years ago), and I'm sure she'll be bored stiff. Also, I'm worried that it won't be fun for me if she's by my side the whole time. Don't get me wrong: I'm not looking to hook up with old girlfriends. (I went to a few previous reunions when I was married to my first wife, and believe me, nothing happened). But I don't want to be inhibited about what I say to people, or have people feel inhibited about saying things to me. Is there any way I can gently explain to her that it will be better for both of us if I go alone, without triggering suspicions on her part? ("Joe" on Long Island)
DEAR JOE: I agree with you that spouses and reunions are often a bad mix, especially when the spouse doesn't know anyone there. Unfortunately, though, spouses often insist on going anyway, and not only because they might be suspicious of old girlfriends or concerned that you might drink too much with your old buddies. There's actually a good reason your wife might want to go: she may want to know more about who you are.
Think about it: the two of you have only been married a relatively short time. I don't know your wife's age, but you were apparently in your mid-40's when you got married. Whether you realize it or not, she may be very curious about the kind of person you were in your younger days, and eager to see the reactions of your friends when they see you again.
I think you should talk to your wife and make sure she understands that the purpose of your reunion---of any class reunion---is to reconnect with old friends and rehash old stories. Make sure she understands that some of those friends may seem like total idiots to her, but they mean a lot to you. And make sure she understands that the stories you'll all tell will be funnier to you than they will be to her.
And I would also tell your wife exactly what you told me about the old girlfriends. If she's been to her own reunions, she should already know that, yes, some flirtation is bound to occur, but that flirtation doesn't have to lead to a hook-up. In fact, thirty years of aging (on everyone's part) will often provide a reality-check when it comes to romantic fantasies.
If, after hearing all that from you, your wife still wants to go, then you have no choice but to take her. But you'll both have to go there with the right attitudes: no expressions of boredom on her part, and no "I'm here with my chaperone" attitude on yours. Introduce her proudly to your friends, and don't forget to introduce her to your old girlfriends, too. And, if possible, try to introduce her to some other "lonely spouse"; it might be fun for your wife and it might take the pressure off of you to constantly entertain her. You never know: you may have a better time with your wife there than you would by yourself.
Good luck, Joe, and let me know what happens.
DEAR JIM: My 30th high school reunion is coming up in a couple of months, and my wife has made it clear that she wants to go with me. I'm not wild about the idea. My wife doesn't know any of my old classmates (she and I grew up in different states, and none of my old friends were at our wedding three years ago), and I'm sure she'll be bored stiff. Also, I'm worried that it won't be fun for me if she's by my side the whole time. Don't get me wrong: I'm not looking to hook up with old girlfriends. (I went to a few previous reunions when I was married to my first wife, and believe me, nothing happened). But I don't want to be inhibited about what I say to people, or have people feel inhibited about saying things to me. Is there any way I can gently explain to her that it will be better for both of us if I go alone, without triggering suspicions on her part? ("Joe" on Long Island)
DEAR JOE: I agree with you that spouses and reunions are often a bad mix, especially when the spouse doesn't know anyone there. Unfortunately, though, spouses often insist on going anyway, and not only because they might be suspicious of old girlfriends or concerned that you might drink too much with your old buddies. There's actually a good reason your wife might want to go: she may want to know more about who you are.
Think about it: the two of you have only been married a relatively short time. I don't know your wife's age, but you were apparently in your mid-40's when you got married. Whether you realize it or not, she may be very curious about the kind of person you were in your younger days, and eager to see the reactions of your friends when they see you again.
I think you should talk to your wife and make sure she understands that the purpose of your reunion---of any class reunion---is to reconnect with old friends and rehash old stories. Make sure she understands that some of those friends may seem like total idiots to her, but they mean a lot to you. And make sure she understands that the stories you'll all tell will be funnier to you than they will be to her.
And I would also tell your wife exactly what you told me about the old girlfriends. If she's been to her own reunions, she should already know that, yes, some flirtation is bound to occur, but that flirtation doesn't have to lead to a hook-up. In fact, thirty years of aging (on everyone's part) will often provide a reality-check when it comes to romantic fantasies.
If, after hearing all that from you, your wife still wants to go, then you have no choice but to take her. But you'll both have to go there with the right attitudes: no expressions of boredom on her part, and no "I'm here with my chaperone" attitude on yours. Introduce her proudly to your friends, and don't forget to introduce her to your old girlfriends, too. And, if possible, try to introduce her to some other "lonely spouse"; it might be fun for your wife and it might take the pressure off of you to constantly entertain her. You never know: you may have a better time with your wife there than you would by yourself.
Good luck, Joe, and let me know what happens.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
End the Marriage After an Affair?
(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please send all questions to jim@attorneyatlove.com)
DEAR JIM: I learned two weeks ago that my husband had an affair with a 23 year old intern at his marketing firm (he's 40). They apparently saw each other all summer until she returned to grad school in another state. I learned of the affair inadvertently after reading some e-mails that he sent to her in the middle of the night and failed to erase. He admitted that he had sex with her but insisted that it was she who came on to him. He also insists that it's the one and only time something like this has ever happened in our six years of marriage, and promised that it will never happen again. My friends all say that I'd be crazy to stay with him, and that it's probably not the first time it happened, only the first time he's been caught. I'm distraught and really torn. I don't want to throw out the good with the bad, but neither do I want to be a fool. Any advice? ("Tortured" in Chicago)
DEAR "TORTURED": A lot of people feel the way your friends do---that with adultery, it's one strike and you're out. And a lot of people believe that all adulterers become serial adulterers, and that even when they get caught they still can't be trusted. There's certainly plenty of real-world evidence to support their beliefs, but the problem with listening to friends is that it's your life, not theirs, that will change irrevocably if you terminate your marriage. You have to decide if divorce is really what you want.
Being tortured by indecision is no way to live, but neither is being tortured by regret later on. I think what both you and your husband need to do is to take a collective deep breath and start communicating again---simply, honestly, and without accusations, excuses, or meltdowns. You'll both need to understand why the affair happened. "She threw herself at me", even if true, doesn't tell the whole story. The real issue is why he was so receptive to her come-on.
It won't be easy to discuss these kinds of things without getting some help. You may want to consult a marriage counselor, particularly one who specializes in infidelity issues. You may also want to check out www.beyondaffairs.com, a website and online support group created by a couple in Vancouver, Anne and Brian Bercht, whose marriage was ultimately strengthened after his affair forced them to confront some major issues in their marriage.
You may or may not eventually decide to stay with your husband, but you owe it to yourself---and to him, too---to make a sincere effort to figure out what went wrong and (if possible) what can still be done to make things right.
Good luck, "Tortured." I hope you'll let me know your decision once you've had time to recover from your pain.
DEAR JIM: I learned two weeks ago that my husband had an affair with a 23 year old intern at his marketing firm (he's 40). They apparently saw each other all summer until she returned to grad school in another state. I learned of the affair inadvertently after reading some e-mails that he sent to her in the middle of the night and failed to erase. He admitted that he had sex with her but insisted that it was she who came on to him. He also insists that it's the one and only time something like this has ever happened in our six years of marriage, and promised that it will never happen again. My friends all say that I'd be crazy to stay with him, and that it's probably not the first time it happened, only the first time he's been caught. I'm distraught and really torn. I don't want to throw out the good with the bad, but neither do I want to be a fool. Any advice? ("Tortured" in Chicago)
DEAR "TORTURED": A lot of people feel the way your friends do---that with adultery, it's one strike and you're out. And a lot of people believe that all adulterers become serial adulterers, and that even when they get caught they still can't be trusted. There's certainly plenty of real-world evidence to support their beliefs, but the problem with listening to friends is that it's your life, not theirs, that will change irrevocably if you terminate your marriage. You have to decide if divorce is really what you want.
Being tortured by indecision is no way to live, but neither is being tortured by regret later on. I think what both you and your husband need to do is to take a collective deep breath and start communicating again---simply, honestly, and without accusations, excuses, or meltdowns. You'll both need to understand why the affair happened. "She threw herself at me", even if true, doesn't tell the whole story. The real issue is why he was so receptive to her come-on.
It won't be easy to discuss these kinds of things without getting some help. You may want to consult a marriage counselor, particularly one who specializes in infidelity issues. You may also want to check out www.beyondaffairs.com, a website and online support group created by a couple in Vancouver, Anne and Brian Bercht, whose marriage was ultimately strengthened after his affair forced them to confront some major issues in their marriage.
You may or may not eventually decide to stay with your husband, but you owe it to yourself---and to him, too---to make a sincere effort to figure out what went wrong and (if possible) what can still be done to make things right.
Good luck, "Tortured." I hope you'll let me know your decision once you've had time to recover from your pain.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
When Your Husband is a Porn Addict
(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please send any questions you may have to: jim@attorneyatlove.com).
DEAR JIM: My husband and I have been married thirty years. We used to have a good sex life, but it's been nearly five years since we last made love. I'm not happy about that, but I could probably accept it if my husband was medically unable to perform. But he goes on porn sites all the time. I know this because he never deletes his Internet history, and I've seen days when he's been on over a dozen porn sites. Jim, I may not be as slim or pretty as I once was, but I think I still look pretty good for my age. Why would a man prefer pictures to a real-life woman? What can I do about it? ("Yvonne" in Colorado)
DEAR YVONNE: If it makes you feel any better, you're not alone. Pornography addiction among men is rampant these days. A sex therapist I know says that pornography's appeal can be explained by the "Three A's": it's accessible, affordable, and anonymous.
A guy who prefers porn to a real flesh-and-blood woman is saying, in effect, that he's not interested in foreplay, or seduction, or pleasing a woman. He's saying that he doesn't want to talk before or after sex, and that he doesn't want to deal with the imperfections of real-world bodies, or the demands made by real-world sex partners.
He may also be conscious of his waning sexual prowess. More than a few porn addicts need to look at literally hundreds of nude pictures before they can get fully erect or before they can achieve orgasm. Sitting in front of a computer screen can be less threatening than lying in bed naked next to a woman.
But all that is an explanation, not an excuse. Your husband is not doing either of you a favor by his actions, and he's eventually going to cause you to have an affair or to file for divorce (or both). What you have to do---right away---is to seek marriage counseling, particularly with someone skilled in dealing with sexual issues. A licensed sexual therapist might also be a good idea.
In making the case for therapy, you don't necessarily have to tell your husband that you know he visits porn sites; the mere fact that you haven't had sex in five years is proof that something is wrong. You can remind him of how much you---and presumably he---used to enjoy making love, and how badly you miss those days. Once you begin therapy, you can confidentially tell the therapist what you learned from the Internet history.
If he balks at the idea of any kind of therapy, please refer to the advice I gave "Roberta" on August 16. It's vital for both of you that you get help, and you should be aggressive in seeking it and in persuading your husband to participate willingly.
Good luck, Yvonne, and let me know what happens.
DEAR JIM: My husband and I have been married thirty years. We used to have a good sex life, but it's been nearly five years since we last made love. I'm not happy about that, but I could probably accept it if my husband was medically unable to perform. But he goes on porn sites all the time. I know this because he never deletes his Internet history, and I've seen days when he's been on over a dozen porn sites. Jim, I may not be as slim or pretty as I once was, but I think I still look pretty good for my age. Why would a man prefer pictures to a real-life woman? What can I do about it? ("Yvonne" in Colorado)
DEAR YVONNE: If it makes you feel any better, you're not alone. Pornography addiction among men is rampant these days. A sex therapist I know says that pornography's appeal can be explained by the "Three A's": it's accessible, affordable, and anonymous.
A guy who prefers porn to a real flesh-and-blood woman is saying, in effect, that he's not interested in foreplay, or seduction, or pleasing a woman. He's saying that he doesn't want to talk before or after sex, and that he doesn't want to deal with the imperfections of real-world bodies, or the demands made by real-world sex partners.
He may also be conscious of his waning sexual prowess. More than a few porn addicts need to look at literally hundreds of nude pictures before they can get fully erect or before they can achieve orgasm. Sitting in front of a computer screen can be less threatening than lying in bed naked next to a woman.
But all that is an explanation, not an excuse. Your husband is not doing either of you a favor by his actions, and he's eventually going to cause you to have an affair or to file for divorce (or both). What you have to do---right away---is to seek marriage counseling, particularly with someone skilled in dealing with sexual issues. A licensed sexual therapist might also be a good idea.
In making the case for therapy, you don't necessarily have to tell your husband that you know he visits porn sites; the mere fact that you haven't had sex in five years is proof that something is wrong. You can remind him of how much you---and presumably he---used to enjoy making love, and how badly you miss those days. Once you begin therapy, you can confidentially tell the therapist what you learned from the Internet history.
If he balks at the idea of any kind of therapy, please refer to the advice I gave "Roberta" on August 16. It's vital for both of you that you get help, and you should be aggressive in seeking it and in persuading your husband to participate willingly.
Good luck, Yvonne, and let me know what happens.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Battling the Summer Invasion
(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please send any questions you may have to jim@attorneyatlove.com).
DEAR JIM: I'm 55 years old and have been married for seven months to "Tony", a widower. When we got married, I sold my condo in the city and moved into Tony's house in a seaside town about forty miles away. It was great until Memorial Day weekend, when we started getting besieged by visits from his brothers and sisters and their families, plus his two grown daughters and their kids. There were literally five days all summer when no one was visiting. Some of these visits overlapped, and when they did we had as many as nine guests at a time. One sister and her teenage kids stayed two weeks, and practically no one stayed less than a week. Tony had given me the impression that his family's visits were pretty much a weekend thing. I have a home-based consulting business that's impossible to run with all these people around. I'm already dreading next summer. Tony's a wonderful guy but he just can't say no to his family, and he's off at work five days a week and doesn't have to deal with everything the way I do. Any suggestions, short of running away? ("Ann Marie" in the Carolinas)
DEAR ANN MARIE: The old saying is, unfortunately, true, that you don't marry a person, you marry his whole family. And when you come in late in the game, there's a well-established system in place that is not going to be easy to dismantle. But if you want to stay married and also stay sane, you---and Tony---are going to have to make some changes to the system.
The first thing the two of you need to do is to have a serious conversation. You can point out, correctly but calmly, that you were under the impression that the visits were mainly on the weekends. You were mentally prepared to deal with having houseguests two or three days a week, and (presumably) you'd be willing to live with that in the future. You can also explain, if he doesn't realize it already, that you can't run a business with up to nine people wandering in and out of the house all day.
But try not to criticize his relatives overtly, even if they deserve criticism; it will just make him defensive. Instead, make it clear that you need to work together to come up with a solution for next summer and beyond. What you'll probably have to do, prior to the end of this year, is to send out joint letters or e-mails to everyone who's visited and let them know that next summer you won't be able to accommodate guests other than on weekends, and even then only one group of guests at a time. Urge them to make their "reservations" as early as possible, and mention that you'll be happy to help people find hotels or rental properties if they want to stay longer.
Inevitably, you're going to be "blamed" for this. "Gee, Dad marries Ann Marie and all of a sudden she's running the place." And if he's the soft touch you say he is, he may be tempted to bend the rules if his relatives plead their case to him directly (and they will). But, for the sake of your marriage, it's vital that the two of you present a united front.
So, I hope you won't need to run away next summer. But maybe at the end of the summer you and Tony can go away somewhere for a week or so and enjoy some together-time, away from your jobs and other people. Knowing that you've got a nice "reward" ahead of you may make it easier to put up with the disruptions that even weekend visits can cause.
Good luck, Ann Marie, and let me know how it turns out.
DEAR JIM: I'm 55 years old and have been married for seven months to "Tony", a widower. When we got married, I sold my condo in the city and moved into Tony's house in a seaside town about forty miles away. It was great until Memorial Day weekend, when we started getting besieged by visits from his brothers and sisters and their families, plus his two grown daughters and their kids. There were literally five days all summer when no one was visiting. Some of these visits overlapped, and when they did we had as many as nine guests at a time. One sister and her teenage kids stayed two weeks, and practically no one stayed less than a week. Tony had given me the impression that his family's visits were pretty much a weekend thing. I have a home-based consulting business that's impossible to run with all these people around. I'm already dreading next summer. Tony's a wonderful guy but he just can't say no to his family, and he's off at work five days a week and doesn't have to deal with everything the way I do. Any suggestions, short of running away? ("Ann Marie" in the Carolinas)
DEAR ANN MARIE: The old saying is, unfortunately, true, that you don't marry a person, you marry his whole family. And when you come in late in the game, there's a well-established system in place that is not going to be easy to dismantle. But if you want to stay married and also stay sane, you---and Tony---are going to have to make some changes to the system.
The first thing the two of you need to do is to have a serious conversation. You can point out, correctly but calmly, that you were under the impression that the visits were mainly on the weekends. You were mentally prepared to deal with having houseguests two or three days a week, and (presumably) you'd be willing to live with that in the future. You can also explain, if he doesn't realize it already, that you can't run a business with up to nine people wandering in and out of the house all day.
But try not to criticize his relatives overtly, even if they deserve criticism; it will just make him defensive. Instead, make it clear that you need to work together to come up with a solution for next summer and beyond. What you'll probably have to do, prior to the end of this year, is to send out joint letters or e-mails to everyone who's visited and let them know that next summer you won't be able to accommodate guests other than on weekends, and even then only one group of guests at a time. Urge them to make their "reservations" as early as possible, and mention that you'll be happy to help people find hotels or rental properties if they want to stay longer.
Inevitably, you're going to be "blamed" for this. "Gee, Dad marries Ann Marie and all of a sudden she's running the place." And if he's the soft touch you say he is, he may be tempted to bend the rules if his relatives plead their case to him directly (and they will). But, for the sake of your marriage, it's vital that the two of you present a united front.
So, I hope you won't need to run away next summer. But maybe at the end of the summer you and Tony can go away somewhere for a week or so and enjoy some together-time, away from your jobs and other people. Knowing that you've got a nice "reward" ahead of you may make it easier to put up with the disruptions that even weekend visits can cause.
Good luck, Ann Marie, and let me know how it turns out.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
"It Takes Two, Baby..."
(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please send any questions you may have to jim@attorneyatlove.com).
DEAR JIM: In your last post [Tuesday, August 11] you advised "Stephanie" to seek marriage counseling and/or sex therapy. But what if her husband refuses to go with her? That's my problem. My husband and I have all kinds of issues but whenever I bring up counseling he says I can do what I want but he's not interested. Should I just go on my own? I'm sick of beating my head against the wall. ("Roberta" in upstate New York).
DEAR ROBERTA: You certainly can go to counseling on your own, but it wouldn't be marriage counseling. Marriage counseling (or "couples" counseling) by definition requires the active involvement of both parties to the relationship.
I don't know your husband, so I don't know the reason he's reluctant to participate in marriage counseling. However, there are several possibilities, the worst of which is that he's simply washed his hands of responsibility for maintaining the relationship. In this scenario, he's saying, in effect, "Hey, it's your problem (if you think there's a problem). Do something about it if you want, but don't bother me."
If that's truly his attitude, you should still seek counseling on your own, but the counseling will have to be focused on you: whether you should stay in the marriage or not, whether you can live a satisfying life knowing your husband is unwilling to participate in problem-solving, etc.
A second possibility is that your husband knows he's wrong, but is afraid of being told that by some outside person. He may feel that he's capable of changing, but that he'll do it his way. Of course, "his" way may mean doing nothing. But in this scenario, there's at least a glimmer of hope, in that your husband doesn't necessarily see the problem as yours alone.
A third possibility is that he may think that you and the marriage counselor are going to gang up on him, especially if the counselor is a woman. Or he may fear that he won't be able to express his feelings the way a woman can. In cases like this, one solution might be to find a male counselor, especially one who doesn't use a lot of intimidating jargon or "therapy talk." But even before you get that far, your husband might want to see a counselor on his own for a few sessions. It's possible that he's reluctant to express his feelings about your marriage in front of you, but he might open up to someone if you're not in the room. After a while, he might lose his inhibitions and be ready for a traditional "couples" approach.
Whatever your husband's reasons may be for avoiding counseling, you need to stress to him that a) you still love him; but b) your marital problems are not going to go away just because he chooses to avoid them. I wouldn't threaten him with divorce at this point, but I would say something like, "Our marriage means so much to me, and I would hate to see it end over something we can still work out."
None of this will be easy, but if you're persistent in a positive way there's a good chance your husband will come around.
Good luck, Roberta, and let me know what happens.
DEAR JIM: In your last post [Tuesday, August 11] you advised "Stephanie" to seek marriage counseling and/or sex therapy. But what if her husband refuses to go with her? That's my problem. My husband and I have all kinds of issues but whenever I bring up counseling he says I can do what I want but he's not interested. Should I just go on my own? I'm sick of beating my head against the wall. ("Roberta" in upstate New York).
DEAR ROBERTA: You certainly can go to counseling on your own, but it wouldn't be marriage counseling. Marriage counseling (or "couples" counseling) by definition requires the active involvement of both parties to the relationship.
I don't know your husband, so I don't know the reason he's reluctant to participate in marriage counseling. However, there are several possibilities, the worst of which is that he's simply washed his hands of responsibility for maintaining the relationship. In this scenario, he's saying, in effect, "Hey, it's your problem (if you think there's a problem). Do something about it if you want, but don't bother me."
If that's truly his attitude, you should still seek counseling on your own, but the counseling will have to be focused on you: whether you should stay in the marriage or not, whether you can live a satisfying life knowing your husband is unwilling to participate in problem-solving, etc.
A second possibility is that your husband knows he's wrong, but is afraid of being told that by some outside person. He may feel that he's capable of changing, but that he'll do it his way. Of course, "his" way may mean doing nothing. But in this scenario, there's at least a glimmer of hope, in that your husband doesn't necessarily see the problem as yours alone.
A third possibility is that he may think that you and the marriage counselor are going to gang up on him, especially if the counselor is a woman. Or he may fear that he won't be able to express his feelings the way a woman can. In cases like this, one solution might be to find a male counselor, especially one who doesn't use a lot of intimidating jargon or "therapy talk." But even before you get that far, your husband might want to see a counselor on his own for a few sessions. It's possible that he's reluctant to express his feelings about your marriage in front of you, but he might open up to someone if you're not in the room. After a while, he might lose his inhibitions and be ready for a traditional "couples" approach.
Whatever your husband's reasons may be for avoiding counseling, you need to stress to him that a) you still love him; but b) your marital problems are not going to go away just because he chooses to avoid them. I wouldn't threaten him with divorce at this point, but I would say something like, "Our marriage means so much to me, and I would hate to see it end over something we can still work out."
None of this will be easy, but if you're persistent in a positive way there's a good chance your husband will come around.
Good luck, Roberta, and let me know what happens.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
When "Honesty" Goes Too Far
(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please send any question you may have to jim@attorneyatlove.com)
DEAR JIM: I'm 49 and have been married nearly twenty years. I love my husband and would never want to leave him, but our sex life is the weak link in our relationship. I've probably always had a stronger sex drive than him, but the gap seems to be widening. He can still perform, but I always have to initiate everything, and even then he'll often find a way to put it off (too tired, etc.). That's the background. My immediate problem is that earlier this summer I had an affair. I met a very attractive man at a conference we were both attending, and we wound up having sex three times that week. I knew from the beginning there would be no future in it---he's married, too, and lives halfway across the country---but I did it anyway, and now I'm feeling terrible. I can't get rid of the guilt, but at the same time I know that I wouldn't have gotten into that situation if I was getting what I needed at home. Should I confess to my husband? At least then he would know how how frustrated I am, but also how much I want to stay married. ("Stephanie" in Canada)
DEAR STEPHANIE: Confessing to your husband would be a mistake, even if accompanied by a declaration of love and a plea for forgiveness.
I gather that there's no continuing communication between you and the other man---if there is, end it immediately---so there's little or no chance your husband would ever find out what happened on his own. What possible good would come of your telling him? Think about it. Do you really think his reaction would be that he's sorry he pushed you into the affair by ignoring your needs? Do you really think he'd be able to forgive, forget, and start trusting again?
Despite the lip service we all pay to "honesty", it's not always a virtue, especially when the person on the receiving end never asked for full disclosure and probably isn't prepared to deal with it. It's no fun bearing the burden of guilt, but you'll feel even guiltier if your confession backfires. A famous writer once said that we may hurt ourselves with our sins, but we only hurt others with our confessions. He's right.
But you can still turn your experience into something positive for your marriage. It's understandable that you're unhappy with your sex life at home, and if something isn't done to improve it you'll eventually be seeking sex outside your marriage again (temptation will often trump guilt, especially when you add self-justification to the mix). The two of you really need to see a marriage counselor and/or a qualified sex therapist as soon as possible. I'm not necessarily saying that your husband's sex drive will ever be the equal of yours, but with awareness and motivation he should be able to please you a lot more and keep you from looking elsewhere.
The only things you need to "confess" to your husband at this point are your desire to have a more satisfying sex life and marriage, and your interest in getting outside help. As long as you express your needs clearly but without overtly criticizing your husband or blaming him, he shouldn't be threatened by these legitimate requests.
I hope this helps, Stephanie. Let me know how it turns out.
DEAR JIM: I'm 49 and have been married nearly twenty years. I love my husband and would never want to leave him, but our sex life is the weak link in our relationship. I've probably always had a stronger sex drive than him, but the gap seems to be widening. He can still perform, but I always have to initiate everything, and even then he'll often find a way to put it off (too tired, etc.). That's the background. My immediate problem is that earlier this summer I had an affair. I met a very attractive man at a conference we were both attending, and we wound up having sex three times that week. I knew from the beginning there would be no future in it---he's married, too, and lives halfway across the country---but I did it anyway, and now I'm feeling terrible. I can't get rid of the guilt, but at the same time I know that I wouldn't have gotten into that situation if I was getting what I needed at home. Should I confess to my husband? At least then he would know how how frustrated I am, but also how much I want to stay married. ("Stephanie" in Canada)
DEAR STEPHANIE: Confessing to your husband would be a mistake, even if accompanied by a declaration of love and a plea for forgiveness.
I gather that there's no continuing communication between you and the other man---if there is, end it immediately---so there's little or no chance your husband would ever find out what happened on his own. What possible good would come of your telling him? Think about it. Do you really think his reaction would be that he's sorry he pushed you into the affair by ignoring your needs? Do you really think he'd be able to forgive, forget, and start trusting again?
Despite the lip service we all pay to "honesty", it's not always a virtue, especially when the person on the receiving end never asked for full disclosure and probably isn't prepared to deal with it. It's no fun bearing the burden of guilt, but you'll feel even guiltier if your confession backfires. A famous writer once said that we may hurt ourselves with our sins, but we only hurt others with our confessions. He's right.
But you can still turn your experience into something positive for your marriage. It's understandable that you're unhappy with your sex life at home, and if something isn't done to improve it you'll eventually be seeking sex outside your marriage again (temptation will often trump guilt, especially when you add self-justification to the mix). The two of you really need to see a marriage counselor and/or a qualified sex therapist as soon as possible. I'm not necessarily saying that your husband's sex drive will ever be the equal of yours, but with awareness and motivation he should be able to please you a lot more and keep you from looking elsewhere.
The only things you need to "confess" to your husband at this point are your desire to have a more satisfying sex life and marriage, and your interest in getting outside help. As long as you express your needs clearly but without overtly criticizing your husband or blaming him, he shouldn't be threatened by these legitimate requests.
I hope this helps, Stephanie. Let me know how it turns out.
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