Should She Sue Ex-Boyfriend for Giving Her Herpes?

(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please send any questions you may have to jim@attorneyatlove.com).

DEAR JIM: I just broke up with a man I had been seeing for a few months. The reson I broke up with him is that I contracted herpes from him, and he never told me he had it. In fact, what angers me the most is that he's actually denying he has it and is implying that I must have gotten it from another man. Jim, I was celibate for three years before I met this person, and I have never had an STD of any kind until now. He's a partner in an accounting firm, and I feel he should pay me not only for whatever medical costs I may incur but also for the anguish he's put me through. Can I sue him? Also, if I ever start to date again---and right now I'm not sure I want to---when and how should I tell people that I'm infected? ("No Name" in Atlanta)

DEAR "NO NAME": Let me first say that I cannot give legal advice to my readers, and even if I could I don't know anything about the relevant statutes and court decisions in the state of Georgia. You should certainly make an appointment to see a local lawyer, preferably someone who specializes in personal injury or "tort" law. And you should do it soon, because at some point the "statute of limitations" could make it impossible to file a lawsuit.

In general, though, I can tell you that pursuing a lawsuit of this nature will put you through the wringer emotionally. You should anticipate that your sexual history (and his, too) will at some point be examined. You should also anticipate that the case could drag on for a long time, which means that you're going to be obsessing about these issues all the time, and not getting on with your life. (Of course, lawsuit or not, it's hard not to obsess about having a disease for which there's no known cure).

I'm not saying this to discourage you from pursuing your claim, but only to warn you that lawsuits are not for the faint of heart.

As for telling potential sex partners about your condition, I certainly recommend that you be 100% honest with people (you don't want someone saying the same things about you that you're saying about your ex-boyfriend). You should disclose the facts as soon as you feel there's any realistic chance you might be having sex with a particular person. In other words, if you meet someone on a first date and you know right away you're not attracted to him and will probably never see him again, you don't have to blurt out "Oh, by the way, I have herpes." But if there's a mutual attraction, don't wait until you've invited the man over to your house, or accepted his invitation to go away for the weekend.

Along these lines, you could probably find a herpes support group, where you could get real-world insights and advice from others who are coping with the condition. And you could avoid the awkward "disclosure conversation" altogether by joining a dating site that caters exclusively to people with herpes and other STDs. There are actually quite a few such sites.

Good luck, "No Name," and please let me know what happens.