Her Boyfriend Won't Tell Her Anything About His Divorce

(NOTE: Jim's blog is now devoted to answering relationship questions submitted by readers. Please send any questions you may have to jim@attorneyatlove.com).

DEAR JIM: I'm 48 and have been divorced for ten years. I started dating again a year ago once my only child graduated from high school. I had a lot of first dates but I was frustrated with the fact that most of the guys I met were recently divorced. It seemed like all they ever wanted to talk about was how they got screwed over by their ex-wife or the wife's attorney. In my opinion, guys like that aren't ready for dating, no matter what they say. A few months ago, I finally found someone who has been divorced about as long as I have. He seems to be a great guy, but he has the opposite problem (if you think it's a problem): he won't say a word about his ex-wife or the circumstances of his divorce. All he'll say is that it was long ago and that he doesn't feel like re-hashing all the dreary details. In a way I can appreciate that, but I also feel a little uncomfortable not knowing anything about what is usually a major event in someone's life. What do you think? ("Dawn" in Florida)

DEAR DAWN: I think you're right to feel a little uncomfortable, especially if you're hoping that your relationship with this man will be a long-term one.

It's not unusual for people---especially men---to have something in their past that they'd rather not have to talk about. A lot of men prefer to deal with their problems by working them out in their head until they feel they've got them figured out. In their minds, talking with someone else---especially someone who wasn't there at the time and doesn't know all the people involved---wouldn't change anything and would just dredge up issues that are dead and buried.

Although I can understand why men might feel this way, I think it's unfair for a man not to share at least some of the crucial facts about his life with a woman he's been going out with for several months. It's not as if you're being nosy for the sake of being nosy. If you're serious about this man---or any man, for that matter---you have a legitimate right to know whether there are events in his life that could affect your relationship with him in the future. You've already learned that a lot of divorced men are bitter about their ex-wives or the circumstances of their divorce. If your current boyfriend is still harboring that kind of bitterness (even if he keeps it under control by refusing to talk about it), you need to find that out sooner rather than later.

I think you should be gently persistent. Try not to make him feel under attack, but let him know that you care about him and you hope you have a long future with him, and you need to know more about who he is and how he feels about women and marriage and other issues that are important to you.

Good luck, Dawn, and please let me know what happens.